I am great at taking care of others. If you need something I am there for you. I love caring for people. It brings me joy and fulfillment. My personal struggle is receiving help from others. I am fiercely independent. "I can do it!" is my motto. My competitive nature does not help this shortcoming. Because not only can I "do it" but I can "do it" better. Can anyone identify with this?
My shortcomings became glaringly obvious about a month ago. A bulging disc in my neck rendered me to complete bed rest for about three weeks. It was a while before we got a firm diagnosis and recovery was quite slow. I could do nothing. Friends and fellow missionaries brought us meals. My kids cleaned the house and helped each other out. BJ ran every which direction getting medication, caring for the kids, and helping me get around when necessary. I could do nothing but receive. Guilt started to consume me. I didn't know why I was sick but surely it had to be my fault. I did this to myself and now everyone else was paying the price.
It took me a while to realize that this illness was the kindest gift God could have given me. I did not realize it at first. It was so wrapped up in my own pity party that I did not realize God was using this situation to teach me something. It was not just the 10am breakfast, it was a life of 10am breakfasts. It was me helping everyone but myself. It was me realizing that even though I enjoyed helping others so much, maybe it was time to give others that same opportunity.
I have come to understand that guilt is a tool of Satan. It is vague and unclear. It has no end in sight and no purpose. It gives no guidance and no hope. It offers feelings of worthlessness and demise. Guilt takes us down a dark and lonely road. Bleakness and shadows are its companion. Guilt is not something God dishes out.
So where does that leave God? Does God use guilt? I would venture to say no. I think what God uses is conviction. How are they different? Conviction is based in love. It is the Holy Spirit showing us what we need to work on so that we can have deeper fellowship with God. Conviction is specific. It is pointed directly at something with a purpose. It is light at the end of the tunnel. It is a better way before us. Conviction is hope.
In Romans chapter 7 Paul talks about the conflict of man knowing what he should do and yet not doing it. As he works through that he gets to this great moment in chapter 8 where he says,
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
You see guilt is associated with manipulation; it is making a person feel bad; forced sorrow. God is not a manipulator. He is all about freedom. He is about choices, even when he does not like the choices we make. Guilt is from the other side. It is Satan at work trying to sow seeds of manipulation and untruth in our hearts.
The late author Jack Miller was once quoted as saying, “Cheer up! You’re a worse sinner than you ever dared imagine, and you’re more loved than you ever dared hope.”
God does not leave us in a pit to sit and wallow. He offers newness of life and redemption. He offers hope. When we lose sight of that it becomes very easy to settle into guilt. We feel inadequate and begin to feel like we are drowning in inability.
I was feeling this way shortly before I fell sick. I literally fell. I was overwhelmed with life and trying so hard to love others that I had forgotten about myself. I was constantly thinking about how others were doing and feeling. I was preoccupied with what I could do to make other people happier. No one had asked me to. I just took it upon myself as a way to love. It was a very imperfect love. I was giving all I was away to everyone else and saving nothing for myself. I was worn out and exhausted.
It came out of the blue when that terrible moment struck. I had been sitting down and when I stood up I lost all use of the left side of my body from the neck down. I slammed into the wall as I tried to walk towards the bed to sit down. I was alone with my kids in a hotel room. Lydia immediately began crying knowing something was very wrong. I tried to play it off and asked her to get me a bottle of water as I got to the bed and sat down. "I must be dehydrated" I said. In my mind I was trying to calm myself down as well as her.
Meanwhile, BJ was at the airport picking up a friend of ours we knew from years back, who since that night has become a much closer friend. We had been hosting his two teenage kids for just over a week and their father (our friend) had come to travel home with them to the States. I called BJ at the airport where they were grabbing a bite to eat and told him he needed to come to the hotel and take me to the Emergency Room. We left our kids with this friend and his kids. (Later Elijah asked me how long we had know this family and when I answered him his immediate response was, "You practically left us with strangers!")
Once BJ arrived at the hotel things kinda get fuzzy. I no longer had to keep it together for the kids so once the kids were out of sight I just kinda lost it. Was I having a stroke? Aneurism? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I walk? Once at the hospital things got even fuzzier...the medications they put me on as a precaution in case it had been a stroke clouded my brain pretty well. Then the anti-anxiety meds they gave me (evidently I was not acting very calm) really fogged over my brain. And that's when it began...three weeks of nothing. No helping. No cooking. No caring for others. Not one good deed for one single person.
It was as if God said, "Since you won't let people in to help you in your daily life, I will be giving others a consolidated amount of time to catch up on loving you." And so I walked down the difficult road of receiving. Meals arrived. Kids were taken care of. Phone messages were received. Prayers were offered. And I just received. And that's when I experienced it. Conviction. I needed to be willing to accept help. I needed to let people in. I needed to recognize that I could do life better in community. And if I did that, I would experience what it is like to live as God intended. That's the difference between guilt and conviction. Guilt would tell me this sickness was all my fault. Guilt would say "Your making people cook for you because you let things fall apart." That's guilt. But conviction said otherwise. Conviction said receive. Conviction said learn what it is to live in community. Learn what it is to be a part of a team.
No comments:
Post a Comment