I have this other little problem I hide from. It is another type of fear that creeps up just as we are about to head home to our home ministry assignment in the States. Its this fear that people will notice. Notice that I have aged, gained weight, and who knows what else. Visiting people every 2-4 years makes change very noticeable. I know it and cant avoid it. And sometimes, I dread it.
This year when I come to the States I want people to notice a different change in me. A depth that was not there before. A desire that was not as pronounced. A growth that is greater then it was when I last visited. I want people to notice my passion and love for the Lord.
This past two years has been anything but easy. Many tears and much heartache have plowed the fields for God's word to be planted. Sorrow has be my companion. Not in a depressed and hopeless fashion, but instead in a way that my heart has ached for what it sees. Everywhere I go I see shrines set up for worshiping idols. I see people saying prayers to these idols and giving money to touch them so they can be healed. I see so many lost people.
This heartache has drawn me closer and closer to my Savior because I know that I am not what they need. I know that I can not do what needs to be done. But in all of this crying out of my heart I have been drawn closer to my Father. I have delved deeper in scripture time and time again. I have been led to pray as i have never prayed before. This province has transformed me. There is still so much work to be done, and many more years that lie ahead. I can only imagine the relationship that lies ahead as a result. I desire the depth but I fear the means.
In the next two weeks we will be taking a great step in this journey to reach the lost of Loja Province. We are moving to the small town of Chaguarpamba. It is a town where we have 4 discipleship groups meeting regularly . We meet with people open to the gospel and have grown deep relationships. They are our friends.
This past week we found out that another family we have been discipling in this town was told by their local priest that they needed to stop doing Bible study with us or they would be cut off from social life in the town. They have asked us to stop coming to do study. Since this happened we have not seen our other disciples. We do not know if they received the same threats. But what we do know is that God told us to go. He told us to live there and claim that ground for His Kingdom
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I believe Satan wants us to be discouraged. He wants us to believe that there is no hope. He wants us to see no options. But he is not my guide. I have read the last chapter of the book and I know who wins. I know that if I am willing to get on my knees and pray for the people of Loja Province that God will honor those prayers. Each person is responsible for his/her own decisions but we will not stop praying that their hearts would be led to the truth.
Battles are not pretty. There is much bloodshed and death in battle. In a more practical sense we have daily battles that we are presented with. As a parent I choose which battles I want to fight very carefully. It has to be worth it. One battle I chose not to fight was the one over orange clothing. Micah is compelled daily to wear orange. He loves that color and just can't have a good day without it. So, i bought him several orange pieces of clothing. He is happy and I don't have to keep washing the one orange shirt he used to own. On the other side, I did choose the "I don't want to shower, ever!" battle. I believe the reasoning on that one is self explanatory. The battle must be worth it. And if we are going to fight it there can be no going back.
This is how I feel about Loja Province. It is a battle we have chosen and there is no going back. It is hard. Some days are filled with tears and heartache. Other days are decorated with victories that keep us smiling for days on end. But through it all, what i am learning most of all is that my walk with God has been deepened. I know my Savior in a whole new light. A light that only shines when i am willing to allow those dark corners to be available. My weaknesses have been made known and my Lord has been found not lacking.
I have also learned that my weaknesses are not my downfalls. They are the areas where God can be on display the most. They are the areas where others can see that what once was a struggle is now a victory.
I am still human and i still have many areas that need work. I still doubt. I still make poor choices. But regularly and with more consistency I am gaining ground. I hope others can see that when I return to the States. Not because I want to be the focus, but because I want others to see that if God can do a good work in me, that there is hope for them too. I want people to be drawn to my God, not to me.
I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to worry more about my physical appearance than my spiritual. I want to have a heart that draws others to freedom in Christ. I want to be brave. My oldest son, Elijah, thinks that every problem can be solved by strapping on his Chewbacca mask and grabbing a light saber. He has used this method to fend off chickens when collecting eggs. He has used it to scare the bejeebers out of his sister when playing hide-and-seek in the dark. He has even used it to kill cockroaches that invade our house when the nearby fields are burnt. Its his "go to" reaction.
I desire that automatic reaction. I want to go to God automatically because it is what I have always done. And when people ask, I want to share with them the faithful relationship God has so generously given me. And through this deepening of relationship and growth of bravery, maybe some day I will come out of my bedroom, Chewbacca mask on and light saber in hand, ready to kill that rat.
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