Toddlers spinning circles

So, two nights ago Micah was up 5 different times.  Once he said the rain was too noisy, then his "knees hurt" as he pointed to his ankles, then he just wanted to say "hi", the other two times I was too comatose to even know what was going on.  Yesterday I was a walking zombie of tiredness.  Micah though, was a wound up ball of energy.  Bouncing off the walls was the most low key thing he did all day.  By evening he was running in circles dancing and jumping uncontrollably.  All I could do was shake my head and point to his bed.  "Go!", I said with every last ounce of kindness I had left. 

 

As I reclined on the couch eating dinner I started to realize something.  I am Micah.  I am that child who has had way too little sleep and can't even recognize it because I am so busy running around like a crazy person who has had too many cups of coffee!  God, well, he is the mom just shaking his head at me pointing to the bed.  God realized I was not ready to hear the hard truth. He didn't give me a long lecture about how rest is important and necessary to function properly.  He didn't strap me to the bed and say "stay put until your rested!".   He just kept loving me in my state of crazy. 

Then I thought about my middle child Lydia.  She asked me last night if she could sleep in until lunch today because she was tired.  She recognized her exhaustion....she may have over exaggerated the amount of sleep she needed (she was up by 7am)...but she identified the need.  In Isaiah 28:12-13 it says,
                  "...."This is the resting place, let the weary rest." and "This is the place of repose" but they
                   would not listen.  So the word of the LORD will become: Do and do, do and do, rule on
                    rule, rule on rule, a little here, a little there - so that they will go and fall backward, be
                    injured and snared and captured."

Can I make a confession?  Many times I am more like Micah and less like Lydia when it comes to rest.  I act as though I am this great martyr laying myself down on the alter of absolute exhaustion in the name of Ministry.  I extend myself well beyond my capable boundaries and push every limit there is for the sake of getting things done.  I stay up late at night and get up early in the morning and everybody in my path has to pay for it.  The crazy grumpy mommy/wife is on the prowl and will start spinning circles when anything comes close.  She is too busy.  She is too overloaded. 

 

But do you know what is crazy?!  God never asked me to do it.  In fact just the opposite!  God lays out very clearly in his 10 commandments we are to take a Sabbath, a day of rest.  Every week.  Not just twice a year vacations, not just when it is convenient.  Nope.  God said do it and do it every week.  So after our Christmas programs were over in December our family took off two weeks to just rest.  It had been over a month and a half since anyone had had a day off and if we were being honest it had been quite a long time since anyone had consistently had a day off each week.  We were exhausted and not much use to anyone. 

During this two week break I really enjoyed waking up and spending time in the word.  I think one of the big warning signs of not getting enough rest is when I am too busy to even read scripture.  It's like a big red light going off with sirens saying "Hey!  This is not good!  Slow down!!"  So during my break I was reading through Isaiah and I came across verses like the one above.  I also came across verses like Isaiah 30:15 that says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.",  and Isaiah 33:2 that says, "Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." 

It was not very difficult to see the point God was trying to make.  As I put Micah to bed last night I reminded him that sleep was a good thing.  I told him that he needed rest and to make good choices about going to sleep.  I also told him that if he woke up in the morning and was still tired that he should roll over and go back to sleep. 

I am pretty sure my Heavenly Father has been saying the same thing to my heart.  Rest child!  If you wake up and your tired, seek more rest.  And so this year one of my goals is to plan to rest.  I decided to come up with a work/homeschool schedule that includes rest.  Its right there on the schedule. DAY OFF it says right on my calendar.  Each week like a spoon full of medicine its there.  And as I take those days off you know what has started to happen?  The days that are not my day off have become much more productive.  My mind is rested so that I can accomplish more daily.  My dishes are done before I go to bed and not glaring at me as I make the morning coffee.  My bible studies that I am teaching are planned out and prepared instead of "fly by the seat of my pants" method.  God is doing the work instead of me trying to do it all.  Its how it was meant to be.  And do you know what?!  Its full of peace. 

I have recognized the value in what Lydia spoke to me the other night.  I see the tired and I call it what it is.  I take time to rest.  And even though I don't sleep in until lunch, I do have a set time daily that my work needs to be done by.  I have a bedtime.  Why?  Because although I cannot control what time Micah's crazy alarm clock brain will wake up I can decide when I will go to bed so that rest is found.  As I have heard many times before, "If God took a day off after creating the world, surely I am no greater than He."

The unexpected plan

So I went and got my nails done yesterday as an effort to spend some girly time with Lydia.  There are these kind ladies who sit in our local park square and paint nails all day.  Many of my friends have gone and their nails always look great.  But each time I go I walk away with what looks like nail art courtesy of my toddler.  I try to pick easy designs.  I try to find fun ideas that seem simple.  But it never works.  Lydia picks the most complicated, paint a reindeer on each fingernail, designs and her's turn out great!  My co-worker and dear friend Jennifer went with Lydia and myself for this adventure and she got penguins and snowmen on her nails.  They look fabulous.  But as I sat and got my nails done I tried to convince myself that the nail artist had a plan.  Surely she knew what she was doing and when it was all done it wouldn't  look as terrible as it did in that moment....and then she finished and it looked no better.  Lydia's advice was to just go for it and pick the funniest thing I could think of next time. 

I got to thinking about this and I realized that I am a gal who appreciates a plan. I am not a "just go for it" type of personality.   In fact, I always assume everybody has one.  After all, doesn't everyone wake up with a running list going through their minds planning out their day before their feet hit the ground?!  It only took me 12 years into my marriage to truly understand that not everyone feels a compulsion to make a plan.  Some people are more free spirits who live moment to moment in absolute bliss.  And we need those people to calm down our crazy list making selves. 

I have been struggling lately with not having a plan.  BJ and I have felt God calling us to move further into the province and yet the only home we found as a possibility did not work out.  Now we are a people with a heart calling and yet no visible plan.  Its kinda tricky.  But in this holiday season it is very easy for me to remember that I am not alone in my desire to see the master plan of how this will go. 

Many years ago there was a little baby born into a manger and the whole world was waiting for him to arrive and yet nobody saw it coming.  They were waiting for a grande King to come in like a bull in a china cabinet.  They were waiting for something they had already imagined out in their minds.  So much so that when the real Savior showed up nobody recognized it.  It wasn't in their plan.  They didn't allow their minds to accept that maybe God's plan was something they hadn't imagined.  Maybe it was bigger. 

And this is where we arrive to the place that we must be so carful to avoid.  We must not plan our lives out so much that we don't allow breathing room for the Holy Spirit.  We must not walk around going from task to task with tunnel vision.  We need to  allow the wiggle room in our lives so that God's plan, no matter how different or distant from our plan, can take over.  It can be fairly simple at times, throwing money in the offering plate that we didn't plan on, stopping to talk to a new person we see in the neighborhood, or it can be hard.  Super duper stretching hard.    It can be living day by day waiting to see how God's plan will unfold and living peacefully during that time of the unknown. 

At Christmas time its easy to be reminded that God has a plan that is far greater than we could have ever imagined and it is good.  "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This verse, Jeremiah 29:11, was a great help as I was talking to Elijah about the house in Chaguarpamba falling through.  He came up to me later, after quoting that verse to him, and told me that he was going to choose to believe that even though it was hard.  And I realized the wisdom of a 10 year old child.  Some days it is just as simple as choosing to believe what we know in our heads to be true.  God does have a plan, and a good one.  When we put our faith in the one who is worthy of it, God will bless us. 

So who are we choosing to have faith in?  If its God we are on a great road.  If its that nail lady down at the park....there may not be enough faith in the world....

Running towards crazy

Drinking more then 3 cups of coffee in a day; eating 3 pieces of cake in one sitting; going to the grocery store hungry; giving Micah a lollipop....these are all things I have done, then promised myself I would not do again, and then gone and done again.  Seriously.  I have issues.  Can anyone identify with me?!  I must be nuts.  I know its going to be bad and yet I just keep running towards crazy with unguarded abandon.  I am a glutton for punishment. 

 I found myself in this place yet again today.  I had a crazy freak out moment (moments if I was being completely honest).  I jumped off the sanity bus and right on to the out of her stinkin' mind bus.  It all seemed completely rational at the time but once I removed myself from the situation and took a few calming breathes, and a few sips of coffee, I gained some perspective. When will I ever learn that putting God is a box is never a good idea?!

BJ and I have been praying about moving further out into the province where we are working.  It would mean living in a more remote area but it would cut down our driving substantially.  Currently we are driving anywhere from 15-20 hours a week.  We would like to spend more time building relationships and less time in the car. Our ever so wise boss asked us to pray about it.  So we did and we began asking God to provide a way for us to move deeper into Loja Province. 

Step one was deciding where to look.  There are not a lot of options so that didn't take long.  There is one main road and four towns between where we live now and the furthest place we have ministry in which is 2 1/2 to 3 hours away depending on who is driving.   Living on the main road was not realistic because we would either live in fear of mudslides falling on our home or in fear of the home falling off the side of  the mountain.  So that left the four towns...none of them very big.  We kept praying that God would be clear.  Show us a home or close the door to the possibilities please! 

We began looking.  Three of the towns had no possibilities for various reasons.  In the final town we had our own guide to house hunting.  One of the sweet ladies we are discipling showed us around to every home available in the town.  It was so kind of her and yet a little disheartening.  We saw a three room home (not 3 bedrooms...rooms).  We saw a home where the roof was caving in.  We also saw a house where the bathroom was outside and you could see through the floor boards to the ground...and it had no electricity or running water.  It was looking pretty bleak. 

So we continued asking God to show us where to look or change our hearts.  We had seen and heard about this house on the mountainside that was owned by the towns old mayor.  We got in touch with him and he agreed to show us the house.  Now, we generally play the imagination game when we look at houses in Ecuador.  We walk inside them and imagine what it could be instead of what it is.  We pretend we don't see dead bugs, dead birds, dead mice, dirty walls, or even chickens roaming around as if they own the place.  But this time was different.  We walked in and were pleasantly surprised.  A beautiful kitchen, roomy living room, three bedrooms, and two showers.  There was even hot water...which we haven't had for the past year and a half.  And the view...oh my...the view....

Now I would be remiss if I said it was perfect.  It's not.  There are a few things that must change if we were to occupy this home...like all the bedroom doors are attached to the outside of the house instead of the inside.  But, it could work and its the only house that we found that was even in the realm of working. And did I mention the view?!  It was at this point that I put God in a box.  Did you catch it?  It was so subtle and small.  One word...only.  The "only house". 

 And there went God into the box.  "God!  This is the only option!  This is it!  You better show up!  When are you going to take care of this?!"  Can you hear the panic in my head screaming out?!  It was a slippery slope and I buttered my skis.  That same day I got into my car to drive (I drive a lot).  I flipped on a sermon by James McDonald and it was all about faith.  It was as if God himself came down and smacked me upside my head.  I'm ok with it.  It was necessary.  I need a good kick in the shorts from time to time.  But what frustrates me is that I need that kick for the same reason time after time. 

My life is a roadmap of faithfulness on God's part.  Time after time he has shown up and pulled through.  Always.  But me, I can't be trusted.  I doubt, judge, and fear.  I forget how much has been taken care of.  I forget what He has done.  I abandon the one consistently perfect thing in my life.  And why?  Because I can't always figure out the plan.  God didn't clue me in on how things would pan out and so I throw a fit.  Imagine that little child we have all seen kicking and screaming as they lie on the floor in a fit of rage.  That's me. 

So what is this repeat offender to do?  How does one break the cycle?  Well, one thing I have realized is that itty bitty progress is still progress.  James McDonald talks about overcoming our short comings by conquering them more frequently and increasingly so.  Its not an overnight conquest.  But instead it is daily fighting to keep the focus on God and not the situation.  This is my current battle.  I have good days and bad but I see a pattern arising.  A shorter freak out time and a quicker refocusing.  Its not perfect but it is progress.

Hebrews 12:1 says, "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."  A cloud of witnesses.  You see?  We are not alone.  We don't just have our own life to look at to see God's faithfulness.  Nope.  We have every believer that has walked this earth.  Look at any life dedicated to Christ and you can see God's faithfulness.  Just ask!  How has God been faithful to you?  You will hear amazing stories. 

 

And so I wait.  I wait to go and talk to the landlord of this beautiful house on Saturday.  I will continue to pray that God will provide a home for us closer to our work.  But I will do it within the parameters of recognizing that even if we don't get this house, that God's plan is still alive and well. We may stay put and drive crazy amounts of hours each week.  We may be provided with a totally different house that we could have never imagined.  Or, we might get to rent the house we are hoping for.  Location is no longer the point....building my faith in a God who has always been faithful...that's where I need to be right now. 

House cleaning and Harvest

I have been waiting for today to come for about two weeks.  I have been building up the excitement of it in my mind.  Planning, making mental lists, and I have even been found with a silly smirk on my face as I daydreamed about today.  Today, I am home all day to clean my house!!!  I know.  Its a bit pathetic.  But hear me out!!  It has been 3 months since I was able to dedicate an entire day to cleaning my house.  It has been "good enough cleaned" day after day.  The bathrooms have been either baby wipe cleaned or the kids have "cleaned" them, and by cleaned I mean wiping down the potty and using the same rag then to wipe the sink...right...kinda gross.  The floors have been swept and kinda mopped as we were running out the door or as a little three year old and his puppy tracked muddy prints behind me. If only I had more help and time!  But today corners will be noticed, walls will be wiped down, and all edges attended to.  Today is a detail kinda day. 

As I sit here to get myself organized I couldn't help but make a connection to the ministry we are doing here.  Have you ever read a verse in scripture for the gajillionth time and suddenly saw it in a new light?  The other day I was think about the great missionary verse in Matthew 9:37 where it says "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few".  Most times, if I was being honest, I read that verse and think "Yes Lord, the harvest is plentiful!"  As if it were this huge "to-do" list before me...and I love lists...especially the joy in crossing things off them.  I have even been know to add things to my daily list that I have already accomplished just so I can feel that satisfaction of crossing it off...I know I have issues...BJ lovingly reminds me of them in his own gentle ways. 

But, right now in this season of life it is the second part of that verse that is becoming a huge reality in my life.  The workers are few.  We see, on a daily basis, so many potential people to begin relationships with.  So many possibilities for kids clubs, youth groups, ladies groups, etc.  It is very difficult to draw a line and say here and no further.  I have had to do this many time in this past three months.  Why?  Because there is a difference between doing something and doing something well.

You see we could go and hop skip and jump from house to house visiting person after person but never really have enough time to invest in any of them.   But instead, in these past few months especially, we have had to put limits on meeting new people and beginning new ministries. 
Its not that new people are not around or that new ministry opportunities have not presented themselves.  The problem is that if we add any more ministry to our schedule we would be doing a disservice to all the ministries.  Does that make sense?  Its a hard place to be.  God has opened our eyes to so much future possibility but right now that's what it is...future. 

"The workers are few" is not just a verse that we read and dismiss here.  We live it every day.  Our hearts break when we are asked to start another kids club and we have to say "not yet".  When we go and visit someone and they want to take us all around their community to share what they are learning with their friends and neighbors and we have to say no.  Not no forever, but not yet.
 
This is why Jesus invested in a few, ya know those disciples.  He too faced the same problem.  Too many people and not enough time.  So he invested in a few so that they could go and share likewise.  And so right now we share with some so that they can go and make a difference in their own communities. 

So, how does this cross over to the every day Christian life?  Well, lets think about that.  What are you doing with your story?  God has given each of us a story of life transformation to share.  It is a unique story of God's work in your life.  It is a story only you can share.  Who are you sharing that story with?  If you don't have an answer maybe its time to start looking around at the people that God has surrounded you with. 

You may be called to travel to foreign countries and share Gods message of hope.  But, you may not.  So think about this.  What about that person at work that the Holy Spirit has been nudging you to speak to?  What if they are my next co-worker.  One person being led to Christ and being discipled in the word...that's where the ripple effect starts.  One person sharing with another, and then that person with another.  Satan tells you your not important.  Satan whispers in your ear that you can't make a difference.  Don't listen to those lies!  That one person that the Holy Spirit is leading you to could make all the difference! 

So as I deal with the reality today that, in my house as well, the workers have been few, I will find joy that I have been given a home to clean.  I will find gladness knowing that God is at work.  And I will find peace knowing that God never gives us more then we can handle together.  And I will accomplish a level of clean that would be impressive to the Queen of England...and that will be gone in the blink of an eye as soon as my sweet Micah wakes up from his nap. 

Puppy poopy and change

 

So the other day Micah and I were in the back yard with our 5 little puppies.  I did not notice he was barefoot until he started crying that he had stepped in puppy poopy.  I immediately told him to sit on the walkway until I had finished the phone conversation I was on.  It was only going to take a moment and then I would go inside and get something to clean him off with.  But, suddenly I looked down and Micah was scraping the puppy poopy off his foot with a stick.  I was actually impressed with his actions until he proceeded to wipe the puppy poopy off  the stick and onto my foot...well let just say my opinion changed rapidly. 

 

Sometimes we think things are going in one direction and then life takes a turn and things change.  Change is icky and hard most of the time. It kinda feels like poopy being wiped on your foot.  It can catch us off guard and make you want to scream.  This past week we presented the idea of change to some of the people we are discipling and we got the "poopy on my foot" look. 

 

Reading scripture has been an enlightening experience for many of the people we work with.  They have generally been discouraged from reading the Bible by their religious leaders and told that they were not capable of understanding it on their own.   Slowly they are realizing that they can understand God's word.  Slowly they are finding truth.  But with that truth comes change on the horizon.  And change is hard and scary. 

When you are confronted with the fact that things you knew to be truths have suddenly been revealed as untruths it takes time to digest.  Its hard.  It takes a lot of guts to walk towards truth when your family and friends are sitting contently in the middle of untruth.  Its a bold move. 

Right now they are in the digestion phase.  Waiting for God to do his work.  Our prayers have gotten harder to utter.  I find myself asking God to bring some type of chasm to their hearts that will force them to take a leap of faith and make a choice.  However, I realize that the choice they  might make at that moment may not be what I hope.  And that has to be ok. 

My job is not to force choices or decisions on people.  My job is to give opportunity. And once the opportunity is given, it is my job to be patient while God works in the hearts of his children.  I am a doer.  So being patient and waiting take a lot of effort.  Sitting still is not my forte.  But, when God says wait there is no other good choice. 

And so right now we wait.  We wait to see how God is going to solidify these truths in the hearts of those who have heard it.  We wait to see how God will bring forth opportunity for choices to be made and commitments to be declared.  And while we wait we hold fast to the truth that God has given us in his word.  "Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.  Psalm 40:4"  Not all will make the difficult choice to be a follower of Christ.  And while that is not my hope for anyone, it is not my choice to make. 

Change is on the horizon.  How and when are still not clear but it is coming.  And like the puppy poopy my son scraped on my foot the choices may not be to my liking.  But until those choices are made it is my job to get on my knees and plead before the throne of God for those who have yet to surrender their lives to Him.  And so if you need me I will be praying for Gods truth to penetrate hard hearts....or scraping puppy poopy off my foot. 

A NOT so normal normal

My normal is nuts.  No, seriously.  Normal days are in abundance here in Ecuador but they are not what you might think.  Today my co-worker and partner in crime, Jennifer, headed out for our 75 minute drive to Chaguarpamba to go to kids club (we call it bread and fish...hoping that what we teach the kids will be taken home and multiplied).  It was a normal morning.  We got in the car and got 15 minutes up the road before we had to turn back due to car trouble.  Then it died.  We called BJ for help and just as he was about to leave to come rescue us we got it started.  So, we got back to our place switched cars and headed out once again.  Along the way we came across three cars with no brake lights that really liked to brake, or suddenly pull off the road and stop in front of us.  Not so great.  We also came across a huge scary snake in the road slithering its freaky self all over ( I may embellish in size but I hate snakes so in my mind it was HUGE!).  We also came across two other dead snakes in the road.  Then we passed some large piece of road kill...so sad.  Then we came across a herd of cattle in the road.  As we pulled down the main street of town we ran over a dead rat.  Ick.  Serious ick.  Then we got to kids club and the site we use had been broken into, vandalized, littered with alcohol bottles and cigarettes, and broken water pipes.  We cleaned up and kept on going.  Club went great...made it all worth it.  It always does.  But then we started the ride home.  We got about 15 minutes up the road and stopped for a snack (I was really really tired and needed snack food to keep awake).  As we pulled out of the gas station we came across a naked man on the road side who was quickly trying to wrap a towel around his waist and scowled at us as if we had walked in on his own personal bathroom.  That's right....naked.  Then we continued on our way...trying to forget the scary naked man who had just bore images into our minds that would take many sittings of Anne of Green Gables to help us forget.  As we drove into our home town we took deep breathes and exhaled in thankfulness that we made it home in one piece.  A wise friend, upon hearing this ridiculous story said, "Satan is so stupid" and I agree. 
Its normal, maybe every day is not this absurd, but its normal.  Nothing goes without a hitch.  There are always difficulties and honestly its sometimes encouraging.  It lets us know we are still a threat to Satan.  But, without our sense of humor we would not fare so well.  We have to step back and realize that no matter how stupid Satan is.....we continue because God wins and Satan doesn't.  Boo Satan.

No pictures today...do you really want pictures of anything I just wrote about?!?! 

Orange picking and saying No

Some people spend money on bedazzled sneakers and jewel crusted dog collars while being up to their eyeballs in debt.  Have you ever met those people who just have no clue how to manage their money?  You know, the ones who go out and blow all their money the first few days of the month and then end up living on rice and beans until the next paycheck arrives.  They are spontaneous and fun but get to know them better and they are a tornado of chaos. 

                      

My husband and I are big Dave Ramsey fans.  Maybe you like him, maybe you don't, and maybe you have no idea who I am talking about (get on google!) but opinions aside, he makes you think about money.  One thing my buddy Dave talks about is what to do when you have an erratic income.  How do you have an organized budget when you never know when or how much your going to get paid.  Dave's solution is a prioritized list of bills.  First you take care of basic necessities (Food, utilities, rent/mortgage) and then you pay debts.  Basically, when the paycheck arrives you pay for the things on the top of the list and work your way down.  When you run out of money that's when you stop paying. 

I think this plan can be applied to more than just finances.  As a missionary I can be pulled at from several directions at once.  Some times are quite busy and other times are quieter and a bit calmer.  Its not a steady paycheck of time. And if I am not careful, I can get a bit overwhelmed by so much opportunity that I forget to look at my list of priorities.    Being careful with my time helps me be in charge of my schedule rather than opportunity leading me. 

My priorities currently go with me each time I plan out my schedule.   When I sit and plan out my calendar I keep this list close to my mind so that I can be sure to put opportunity in order of priority.  Instead of life being controlled by the constant flow of things to do, it is carefully planned so that I have more freedom to focus my time where it needs to be.  There is freedom in planning. 

This past week I was out in the province with  my dear co-worker Jennifer and we were visiting a sweet woman who lives 30 minutes down a dirt road in the suburbs of nowhere.  After we spent some time in discipling her in scripture she asked us if we wanted some oranges to take home with us.  We said yes and to make a long story short, we ended up trekking down a steep embankment following this sweet woman who was yielding a machete in a Rambo fashion and she showed us how incapable we were at plucking oranges from a 20 foot high tree.  We came home with 4 grocery bags full of oranges and a nice dose of humility. 

                                                             
Without priorities those moments of connection would be obsolete.  Without careful planning I would not have the freedom to go pick oranges. I would waste time doing good things instead of seeking out the best.  I have time to build relationships because I have learned to say no to certain opportunities in my life.  Ephesians 5:15 says "Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil."  "No" is not a bad thing to learn how to say.  It just means that you value yourself and your own priorities that God has laid on your heart. 

Without the word No in my vocabulary I would be at church 5 nights a week, teaching English to every child in my town, and not have nearly enough time to do the ministry God has called me to do.  None of those things are bad, but they aren't at the top of my list. So, I learned to say that word.  I learned No.  And because of No, I got to have a great cup of orange juice this morning and I have a discipling friendship in bloom.