Trust and spilled coffee

I woke up at 5:30 this morning seeking quiet.  We moms are professional ninjas when peace and quiet are at stake.  I very quietly tiptoed down the stairs.  I made a creamy cup of coffee and sat down on my couch to read my Bible and pray.  No kids. No noise. It was perfect.  And then within 5 minutes of sipping my delicious cup of coffee and reading, I heard it.  The sound no mother wants to hear that early in the morning....the sound of a bedroom door opening.  Down the steps trotted two little feet with a sleepy morning smile.  I was once told to consider those early morning visitors as special guests to my morning quiet time.  Within a few seconds my "special morning guest" knocked over my precious cup of coffee and broke my favorite mug.  It was at that very moment I knew what was on the horizon....TV.  That's right folks.  I played the TV card so I could have a "quiet" time.  I didn't get mad.  I didn't yell.  I just did what I had to do. 

Sometimes when we do everything right, things still go wrong.  On a much deeper level this is a struggle everyone grapples with at some point in their life.  Most of us many times.  Children die, marriages crumble, and dreams crash to the ground.  People betray us, our intentions are misread, a freak accident and we are left bewildered.  We cant even catch our breath. Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why, when we live life the way we should, do things still go wrong?  This question seems easy enough to answer when someone else asks it.  We rattle off pat answers like, God is in control, or God can use it.  But when we find ourselves asking these questions those pat answers seem hollow and abrasive.  No comfort.  No answer can be found that soothes the soul. 

What do we do when life piles up?  We all know those people in our lives that seem to be a magnet for difficulty.  Hard times seem to be their majority.  The hits just keep coming and coming and we look to God in our confusion.  What do we say?  How do we love them without seeming fake and shallow?  How do we walk with them through the hard times?  And what do we do when we are that person? 

Today, after mopping up my morning coffee, I read Psalm 73.  Its not an easy chapter.  It's blunt.     Its coarse honesty makes you uneasy.  And yet it gave me hope.  If scripture can be brutally honest then maybe I can also be nakedly honest with God.  In the beginning of the chapter the author whines and complains about those he sees who are corrupt yet rich, healthy, and without trouble.  Listen to the words of the author in verse 16, "When I tried to understand all this it was oppressive to me"  Verse 13 says, "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence."  Do you hear this pity party here folks?  I did what I was supposed to and am sick, poor, and in pain.  Others do wrong and are rich and healthy.  WHY GOD?!  You can hear the bitterness in the tone. 

In verse 21 it says, "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."  He is calling himself out on his own actions.  He calls himself a brute beast!  The author feels betrayed and can't figure out how on earth God applied his permission on his specific situation.  In scripture we find that God does not cause all things, but He does permit all things(see Romans 5:12 and James 1:13).  This permission is what hurts the most in difficult times. 

When we are in pain our focus gets skewed.  We forget our equality in the human race.  Romans 3:10 says, "There is no one righteous, not even one"  We are all unworthy of any good in our lives.  Any sins we have committed have condemned us to a forever sentence of hell.  What we tend to lose focus of is that all we deserve is the bad. 

Now please don't take me as a doom sayer.  There is a great ending on this story.  The gift that Jesus rendered on the cross reveals an unimaginable twist.  Jesus paid our death sentence.  He did for us what we could not do for ourselves.  He paid a price too high for our own actions to compensate.  He saved us.  And what is amazing is that he put no price on receiving his gift.  "Free!" he calls out to us. "Come and receive. I have taken care of this!" Now, think about God's roll in this.  The father has knowingly sacrificed his son so that all of humanity would have the opportunity to spend eternity with Him in heaven.  He provided a way for us to be forgiven.  And what do we do? 

There seem to be three responses I have concluded to.  First, you have the ones who simply say "no".  They snub their noses to the fact that someone else provided a fix to their problem.  What is so frustrating is that their choice doesn't negate the fact that Jesus died on the cross.  Instead its just a smack in the face to God that says, "I don't want your help"  "I did not ask Jesus to do what he did." 

Second, you have the Yes, but.  This is the person that accepts Jesus Christ as their Savior but brings with them a list of requirements.  They say things like, "Thank you for saving me Jesus, but I want life to be easy from here out." or "Thank you for saving me Jesus, but I want control over how things go from here."  Their Christian walk is fraught with crisis after crisis because they don't know what to do when things go awry.  I think if we were honest this is where a lot of us find ourselves.  Maybe in different degrees of the "yes, but" syndrome but its where most of us are.  We get stuck.  We get angry.  We claim to trust God, but when push comes to shove we point the finger right back at God.  We struggle. How is there freedom from that?

We find freedom in the third response.  James McDonald talks about growing our faith in God.  He says growing ones faith is not done perfectly, but it needs to be done increasingly.  In other words, we need to show fruit of growth in our trust in God.  This is where hard shows up.  When we become Christians we trust God with our life after death but what about our life here on earth?  When we can't understand the reasoning behind life's difficult situations we have to choose to trust.  In each situation that we do choose to trust we receive the gift of proof.  Proof that God can be trusted.  Proof that God is a keeper of his word.  Proof that Matthew 28:20 is true when it says, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  As we mature in our Christian walk we start finding ourselves more on the third view and less and less on the second.  Its a process.  And a slow one at that. 

God does not promise that once we accept Jesus as our Savior that our lives will be easy and problem free.  But he does offer an amazing gift.  The creator of the universe offers to walk with us through life so that when it gets too hard, and it will, He will be with us.  You see when life is easy we do not see as much need for God in our lives as we do when we are living in difficulty.  Now, that is not to say that the only reason God allows trials is to deepen relationship between us and Him.  That would be cruel. 

But God does refine and give opportunity to strengthen our faith through hard to swallow events.  And then those events that seemed impossible to traverse end up becoming a reference point.  A tangible moment in time that we see God at work and feel his presence.  They become moments we return to the next time we are confronted with hardship.  And as we collect those amazing moments of proven faith before us, our relationship deepens and our desperate need to understand the "why" dissipates. 

It all comes down to one prayer.  "Lord, whatever it takes.  Whatever you need from me Lord.  Take what needs to be taken.  Keep what needs to be kept.  As long as you use my life to bring others closer to you Father.  As long as I can be drawn closer to you.  Have your way Father."  As we draw closer to God we need fewer explanations.  We trust and know that He is good because even though we have experienced difficulties we have also seen God's faithfulness during those times. 

Many mornings when my quiet time is interrupted I get mad.  I get a bit self righteous and shake that finger at God. I am the second response we talked about earlier.   But increasingly, yet not perfectly, I am learning to quench my temper and rest in the knowledge that God can be trusted.  I don't always understand and the bigger the situation the harder it is to take that step and trust.  But even though my coffee cup is shattered on the floor my trust is in tact.  My God is good.  Chapter 73 in Psalms ends perfectly with these words, "But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Pizza and Choices

Its a treat not a meal.  This is what I almost daily say to my kids when they want a second piece of cake, extra snacks, or more juice.  I did not listen to this wise advice the other night.  I ate a lot of pizza and cookies. Not like, "Oh a little bit of pizza would be great with a small cookie"  But more like "If I don't eat this pizza and dish of cookie bars the whole world could implode" ate pizza and cookies.   I had generally avoid these foods as a healthy living choice but I decided to have a treat.  It was delicious.  Treats are not bad but when we get out of control with our treats and turn them into meals we have a problem.  The next day for lunch there wasn't much to eat aside from leftovers so again...I dove in.  After pizza and cookies I fell into a sort of sugar coma.  I slept for about an hour.  It was not my finest moments. 
As I lay on my bed and slowly started to come out of my sugar coma I realized a decision needed to be made.  I needed to choose to take new direction in my actions or continue to wallow in my poor eating choices.  So, I got up, laced up my sneakers and went for a run.  Sometimes we need to acknowledge where we are and make a conscious change. 

This story can apply to so many avenues of our lives.  We say something constructive and then figure if we already started we might as well truly say what's on our mind.  We can't help it.  Its just how we are.  Or maybe its a bad attitude.  We try to hold in our frustrations and instead of talking about whats truly going on we rattle off the entire laundry list of annoyances of the week.  It's not like it is our fault that everyone gets on our nerves.  Or maybe its laziness.  We sit down to watch one episode of our favorite TV show for a short rest and end up several hours later still in front of the TV with no excuse for why nothing on our "to-do" list got done. 

God created humans with a free will.  We get to make choices.  And we can make good ones or bad ones.  When we recognize that we have made a poor choice we can either keep going or make some new decisions to get on a better track.  Some times it is a slow recovery.  Sometimes there are irreparable consequences for our actions but we can always choose to turn a corner and make better choices so that we don't rack up a bigger and bigger pile of consequences. 

This is the Christian life.  The opportunity to choose good.   It's what shows the world what changes Jesus can bring in a person.  We make the hard but good choices.  We choose grace when it seems there is no room.  We choose love when others hate.  We choose to help when others only watch.  We choose.  And when we do choose poorly we own up to it.  Sometimes it is the choices we make after choosing poorly that shows the world that Jesus makes a difference.  Being a follower of Jesus gives us the power to make those hard but good decisions.  It also gives us the wisdom and strength to make amends for poor decisions of our past.  And when those times come and we make bad decisions, we can quickly turn away from the bad and turn back to God.  We can let it be a short set back  not a meal. 

Kitchen Brooms and Last Words

I saw a woman today trying to clean up a landslide with a kitchen broom.  I laughed and my team member Jennifer took a photo to document the ridiculous event.  Have you even seen a problem but not had the right tools to deal with it properly?  

Jennifer and I drove into Chaguarpamba today to have some discipleship time with our small groups.  It was as normal a day as could be expected. Once we drove into town we knew all of our plans had gone out the window.  Sadly, as we drove into town we saw that there was a large procession of townspeople walking together towards the local catholic church.  There was a tent set up with many chairs stacked up in front of our friends home.  We quickly figured out that it was a funeral procession and after a quick question to a nearby neighbor we found out that the brother of our dear friend Samuel had died.

It was another reminder of why we are trying to move to Chaguarpamba.  We want to be a part of the lives of our friends and not just a weekly meeting.  I am so grateful that we arrived in town when we did today.  I am thankful we were able to offer a warm embrace and a word of hope.  

As we sat in the church and listened to the priest i felt a heaviness in the room.  The priest told of how Freddy (Samuel's brother) had died from alcohol poisoning.  He then began to preach to his audience of how they should not be like Freddy. Learn to control yourself.  Behave.  Work harder to control yourself.  He then asked for all the mourners to begin to pray that Freddy's sins would be forgiven.  Everything in me wanted to shout out "ITS TOO LATE!!!"  An entire room of people sitting their believing they could pray him into heaven was so heart breaking for me.  Such a lost group of people being led by a man who didn't understand scripture himself.  It was suffocating.  

As I sat and listened I wondered what Freddy would have thought if he knew that the only thing spoken about him at his funeral was "Don't be like him".  I had met Freddy several times.  He was a rough character who was generally drunk when I saw him.  He once gifted me a couple of mangoes and made googly eyes at me as if to say "come hither".  I politely accepted the mangoes and declined the come hither.  

That was all i ever really knew about Freddy.  A few encounters and only one thing stood out; his drinking problem.  He had the wrong tools to remedy his situation.  His brother Samuel, and Samuel's family have been in discipleship with us for about 8 months.  They are seeking after God and sharing what they have learned with others; with people like Samuel's brother Freddy.  He was offered the correct tools (salvation through the gift of Jesus Christ) but he chose to keep chipping away at the landslide of his life with a kitchen broom (alcohol).  

It got me thinking about my own mortality.  When the day comes that I arrive in heaven before my God and Savior what will those left behind say of me?  Will they talk about my faults?  My shortcomings?  I really hope not.  I hope that they talk about my love for God and honestly if all they talked about was God and not me a snip i would be elated.  After all its not about me.  And its ALL about God.  

I sat in the church looking at the sea of people dressed in black.  I saw so many people needing to know that there was hope.  They see pain and suffering on a regular basis.  They live hard lives.  But if they only knew that there was hope.  If they could only see that rather than trying to work for their salvation that they could receive the free gift of eternal life, that hard life might not seem so hard.  They could find joy and peace.  They need the right tools.  

 I pray that we can continually encourage this family and many others to discover the correct supplies that God provides through scripture to handle what life throws at them.   I pray that tonight as Samuel and his family rest their heads on their pillows to sleep that they rest in the assurance that they have found in Christ.  I pray that God would be their comforter.  And I pray that when it is their time to enter heaven, that those left behind would speak of the God they served and the Jesus they knew and shared. 

Peeking between Fingers

Imagine if you will how a totally random person can go from calmly driving down the curvy road of Loja province without a care in the world, to screaming at the top of her lungs as she sees a huge tarantula carrying its dinner, a rodent, on its back across the street in front of her car. No, this is not a science fiction movie, this is my life!  Sometimes you see things that you wish you could "un-see".  Sometimes you feel like going through life peeking out from behind your hands that are covering your eyes.  Maybe it would just be easier not knowing. 

I have been feeling this way for the past several months.  Only wanting to peek out from behind my fingers because I am receiving what feels like too much information.  Too much information and not enough plan.  I don't work well like this.  Don't get me wrong, I like knowing what's coming!  But, I also like to know the "how" behind the "what".  I know that is how we see our faith built, but its really really hard!!

Let me explain.  BJ and I have been aware for quite a while that living in Catamayo and working in Chaguarpamba and Balsas (which are between 90-150 minutes away) was not an easy fit.  There have been good reasons for us to live in Catamayo.  The closeness of fellow missionaries, the ease of access to larger cities, and even a close by airport made it a great place to start. But, as time has passed and our regions of focus has narrowed it is seeming less and less reasonable for us to stay put in Catamayo. 

Driving anywhere from 9-14 hours a week just to get to the people we are working with is a bit hard to swallow.  Now that we know where our ministry is concentrating we want to be closer to these areas.  We strongly feel God calling us further west into the province of Loja, Ecuador.  We know Chaguarpamba is where we are headed.  But that's all we know!  We know the "what" but have very little information on the "how".  We know that living amongst the people whom we are discipling is the right decision.  We know sharing life together is wiser then showing up for a weekly meeting.  But what if that's all you know! 

This is our life right now.  We know when we return from Home Ministry Assignment (we will be returning to the states for a few months sometime in the fall and winter of this year) we need and want to move out to Chaguarpamba.  Now more than ever we are heavily relying on our faithful God who has brought us this far. 

We have begun our own investigation.  We checked out any possibilities for rental homes and came up empty.  Chaguarpamba is quite a small town and those who live there have lived there for generations.  Homes don't generally go up for sale or rent.  And so we are left covering our eyes with our hands and only peeking out from between the cracks of our fingers.  God is narrowing down the options but what's left seems quite impossible. All that is left is the opportunity to see God do the amazing. 

We are currently looking into purchasing property in Chaguarpamba and building a home.  In a way, we hope to stake a claim for God in this community.  We want the people to know that they matter to us and to God.  We want to live life with them and not just meet with them once a week.  We desire relationship.  Relationally it makes all the sense in the world and we are very excited about it.  Our kids have many friends in the town as a result of our kids club "bread and fish" that we help run every Saturday.  Financially though, that's where the eyes are covered and we are peeking out. 

We know God is in this.  We know it is all going to be for His glory.  But we also know that without you, our partners in ministry, none of this can come to completion.  We are currently saving up to be able to make a down payment on a piece of property.  As soon as we have the finances we will purchase land and begin construction.  This will be a personal expense.  Our monthly mortgage payments will be paid from our support account just as our rent normally is, but the initial payment is on us. We are leaning heavily on God to bring this to completion. 

 
We know that God's timing is perfect and that He reveals to us His plans in just the right timing.  Our faith is stretched and growing and we know that even when it hurts or is scary; His plan is perfect. Our faith helps us to peel back our fingers from covering our eyes and realize that it is not a big scary spider in front of us but rather God's best for us wrapped up in experiences that bring us closer to Him.  And, even though there ARE big scary spiders in Chaguarpamba (we are talking the size of a head of iceberg lettuce folks!) the fear of them can not outweigh the need of those who live there.  "Spider-pamba" here we come!

Toddlers spinning circles

So, two nights ago Micah was up 5 different times.  Once he said the rain was too noisy, then his "knees hurt" as he pointed to his ankles, then he just wanted to say "hi", the other two times I was too comatose to even know what was going on.  Yesterday I was a walking zombie of tiredness.  Micah though, was a wound up ball of energy.  Bouncing off the walls was the most low key thing he did all day.  By evening he was running in circles dancing and jumping uncontrollably.  All I could do was shake my head and point to his bed.  "Go!", I said with every last ounce of kindness I had left. 

 

As I reclined on the couch eating dinner I started to realize something.  I am Micah.  I am that child who has had way too little sleep and can't even recognize it because I am so busy running around like a crazy person who has had too many cups of coffee!  God, well, he is the mom just shaking his head at me pointing to the bed.  God realized I was not ready to hear the hard truth. He didn't give me a long lecture about how rest is important and necessary to function properly.  He didn't strap me to the bed and say "stay put until your rested!".   He just kept loving me in my state of crazy. 

Then I thought about my middle child Lydia.  She asked me last night if she could sleep in until lunch today because she was tired.  She recognized her exhaustion....she may have over exaggerated the amount of sleep she needed (she was up by 7am)...but she identified the need.  In Isaiah 28:12-13 it says,
                  "...."This is the resting place, let the weary rest." and "This is the place of repose" but they
                   would not listen.  So the word of the LORD will become: Do and do, do and do, rule on
                    rule, rule on rule, a little here, a little there - so that they will go and fall backward, be
                    injured and snared and captured."

Can I make a confession?  Many times I am more like Micah and less like Lydia when it comes to rest.  I act as though I am this great martyr laying myself down on the alter of absolute exhaustion in the name of Ministry.  I extend myself well beyond my capable boundaries and push every limit there is for the sake of getting things done.  I stay up late at night and get up early in the morning and everybody in my path has to pay for it.  The crazy grumpy mommy/wife is on the prowl and will start spinning circles when anything comes close.  She is too busy.  She is too overloaded. 

 

But do you know what is crazy?!  God never asked me to do it.  In fact just the opposite!  God lays out very clearly in his 10 commandments we are to take a Sabbath, a day of rest.  Every week.  Not just twice a year vacations, not just when it is convenient.  Nope.  God said do it and do it every week.  So after our Christmas programs were over in December our family took off two weeks to just rest.  It had been over a month and a half since anyone had had a day off and if we were being honest it had been quite a long time since anyone had consistently had a day off each week.  We were exhausted and not much use to anyone. 

During this two week break I really enjoyed waking up and spending time in the word.  I think one of the big warning signs of not getting enough rest is when I am too busy to even read scripture.  It's like a big red light going off with sirens saying "Hey!  This is not good!  Slow down!!"  So during my break I was reading through Isaiah and I came across verses like the one above.  I also came across verses like Isaiah 30:15 that says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.",  and Isaiah 33:2 that says, "Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." 

It was not very difficult to see the point God was trying to make.  As I put Micah to bed last night I reminded him that sleep was a good thing.  I told him that he needed rest and to make good choices about going to sleep.  I also told him that if he woke up in the morning and was still tired that he should roll over and go back to sleep. 

I am pretty sure my Heavenly Father has been saying the same thing to my heart.  Rest child!  If you wake up and your tired, seek more rest.  And so this year one of my goals is to plan to rest.  I decided to come up with a work/homeschool schedule that includes rest.  Its right there on the schedule. DAY OFF it says right on my calendar.  Each week like a spoon full of medicine its there.  And as I take those days off you know what has started to happen?  The days that are not my day off have become much more productive.  My mind is rested so that I can accomplish more daily.  My dishes are done before I go to bed and not glaring at me as I make the morning coffee.  My bible studies that I am teaching are planned out and prepared instead of "fly by the seat of my pants" method.  God is doing the work instead of me trying to do it all.  Its how it was meant to be.  And do you know what?!  Its full of peace. 

I have recognized the value in what Lydia spoke to me the other night.  I see the tired and I call it what it is.  I take time to rest.  And even though I don't sleep in until lunch, I do have a set time daily that my work needs to be done by.  I have a bedtime.  Why?  Because although I cannot control what time Micah's crazy alarm clock brain will wake up I can decide when I will go to bed so that rest is found.  As I have heard many times before, "If God took a day off after creating the world, surely I am no greater than He."

The unexpected plan

So I went and got my nails done yesterday as an effort to spend some girly time with Lydia.  There are these kind ladies who sit in our local park square and paint nails all day.  Many of my friends have gone and their nails always look great.  But each time I go I walk away with what looks like nail art courtesy of my toddler.  I try to pick easy designs.  I try to find fun ideas that seem simple.  But it never works.  Lydia picks the most complicated, paint a reindeer on each fingernail, designs and her's turn out great!  My co-worker and dear friend Jennifer went with Lydia and myself for this adventure and she got penguins and snowmen on her nails.  They look fabulous.  But as I sat and got my nails done I tried to convince myself that the nail artist had a plan.  Surely she knew what she was doing and when it was all done it wouldn't  look as terrible as it did in that moment....and then she finished and it looked no better.  Lydia's advice was to just go for it and pick the funniest thing I could think of next time. 

I got to thinking about this and I realized that I am a gal who appreciates a plan. I am not a "just go for it" type of personality.   In fact, I always assume everybody has one.  After all, doesn't everyone wake up with a running list going through their minds planning out their day before their feet hit the ground?!  It only took me 12 years into my marriage to truly understand that not everyone feels a compulsion to make a plan.  Some people are more free spirits who live moment to moment in absolute bliss.  And we need those people to calm down our crazy list making selves. 

I have been struggling lately with not having a plan.  BJ and I have felt God calling us to move further into the province and yet the only home we found as a possibility did not work out.  Now we are a people with a heart calling and yet no visible plan.  Its kinda tricky.  But in this holiday season it is very easy for me to remember that I am not alone in my desire to see the master plan of how this will go. 

Many years ago there was a little baby born into a manger and the whole world was waiting for him to arrive and yet nobody saw it coming.  They were waiting for a grande King to come in like a bull in a china cabinet.  They were waiting for something they had already imagined out in their minds.  So much so that when the real Savior showed up nobody recognized it.  It wasn't in their plan.  They didn't allow their minds to accept that maybe God's plan was something they hadn't imagined.  Maybe it was bigger. 

And this is where we arrive to the place that we must be so carful to avoid.  We must not plan our lives out so much that we don't allow breathing room for the Holy Spirit.  We must not walk around going from task to task with tunnel vision.  We need to  allow the wiggle room in our lives so that God's plan, no matter how different or distant from our plan, can take over.  It can be fairly simple at times, throwing money in the offering plate that we didn't plan on, stopping to talk to a new person we see in the neighborhood, or it can be hard.  Super duper stretching hard.    It can be living day by day waiting to see how God's plan will unfold and living peacefully during that time of the unknown. 

At Christmas time its easy to be reminded that God has a plan that is far greater than we could have ever imagined and it is good.  "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This verse, Jeremiah 29:11, was a great help as I was talking to Elijah about the house in Chaguarpamba falling through.  He came up to me later, after quoting that verse to him, and told me that he was going to choose to believe that even though it was hard.  And I realized the wisdom of a 10 year old child.  Some days it is just as simple as choosing to believe what we know in our heads to be true.  God does have a plan, and a good one.  When we put our faith in the one who is worthy of it, God will bless us. 

So who are we choosing to have faith in?  If its God we are on a great road.  If its that nail lady down at the park....there may not be enough faith in the world....

Running towards crazy

Drinking more then 3 cups of coffee in a day; eating 3 pieces of cake in one sitting; going to the grocery store hungry; giving Micah a lollipop....these are all things I have done, then promised myself I would not do again, and then gone and done again.  Seriously.  I have issues.  Can anyone identify with me?!  I must be nuts.  I know its going to be bad and yet I just keep running towards crazy with unguarded abandon.  I am a glutton for punishment. 

 I found myself in this place yet again today.  I had a crazy freak out moment (moments if I was being completely honest).  I jumped off the sanity bus and right on to the out of her stinkin' mind bus.  It all seemed completely rational at the time but once I removed myself from the situation and took a few calming breathes, and a few sips of coffee, I gained some perspective. When will I ever learn that putting God is a box is never a good idea?!

BJ and I have been praying about moving further out into the province where we are working.  It would mean living in a more remote area but it would cut down our driving substantially.  Currently we are driving anywhere from 15-20 hours a week.  We would like to spend more time building relationships and less time in the car. Our ever so wise boss asked us to pray about it.  So we did and we began asking God to provide a way for us to move deeper into Loja Province. 

Step one was deciding where to look.  There are not a lot of options so that didn't take long.  There is one main road and four towns between where we live now and the furthest place we have ministry in which is 2 1/2 to 3 hours away depending on who is driving.   Living on the main road was not realistic because we would either live in fear of mudslides falling on our home or in fear of the home falling off the side of  the mountain.  So that left the four towns...none of them very big.  We kept praying that God would be clear.  Show us a home or close the door to the possibilities please! 

We began looking.  Three of the towns had no possibilities for various reasons.  In the final town we had our own guide to house hunting.  One of the sweet ladies we are discipling showed us around to every home available in the town.  It was so kind of her and yet a little disheartening.  We saw a three room home (not 3 bedrooms...rooms).  We saw a home where the roof was caving in.  We also saw a house where the bathroom was outside and you could see through the floor boards to the ground...and it had no electricity or running water.  It was looking pretty bleak. 

So we continued asking God to show us where to look or change our hearts.  We had seen and heard about this house on the mountainside that was owned by the towns old mayor.  We got in touch with him and he agreed to show us the house.  Now, we generally play the imagination game when we look at houses in Ecuador.  We walk inside them and imagine what it could be instead of what it is.  We pretend we don't see dead bugs, dead birds, dead mice, dirty walls, or even chickens roaming around as if they own the place.  But this time was different.  We walked in and were pleasantly surprised.  A beautiful kitchen, roomy living room, three bedrooms, and two showers.  There was even hot water...which we haven't had for the past year and a half.  And the view...oh my...the view....

Now I would be remiss if I said it was perfect.  It's not.  There are a few things that must change if we were to occupy this home...like all the bedroom doors are attached to the outside of the house instead of the inside.  But, it could work and its the only house that we found that was even in the realm of working. And did I mention the view?!  It was at this point that I put God in a box.  Did you catch it?  It was so subtle and small.  One word...only.  The "only house". 

 And there went God into the box.  "God!  This is the only option!  This is it!  You better show up!  When are you going to take care of this?!"  Can you hear the panic in my head screaming out?!  It was a slippery slope and I buttered my skis.  That same day I got into my car to drive (I drive a lot).  I flipped on a sermon by James McDonald and it was all about faith.  It was as if God himself came down and smacked me upside my head.  I'm ok with it.  It was necessary.  I need a good kick in the shorts from time to time.  But what frustrates me is that I need that kick for the same reason time after time. 

My life is a roadmap of faithfulness on God's part.  Time after time he has shown up and pulled through.  Always.  But me, I can't be trusted.  I doubt, judge, and fear.  I forget how much has been taken care of.  I forget what He has done.  I abandon the one consistently perfect thing in my life.  And why?  Because I can't always figure out the plan.  God didn't clue me in on how things would pan out and so I throw a fit.  Imagine that little child we have all seen kicking and screaming as they lie on the floor in a fit of rage.  That's me. 

So what is this repeat offender to do?  How does one break the cycle?  Well, one thing I have realized is that itty bitty progress is still progress.  James McDonald talks about overcoming our short comings by conquering them more frequently and increasingly so.  Its not an overnight conquest.  But instead it is daily fighting to keep the focus on God and not the situation.  This is my current battle.  I have good days and bad but I see a pattern arising.  A shorter freak out time and a quicker refocusing.  Its not perfect but it is progress.

Hebrews 12:1 says, "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."  A cloud of witnesses.  You see?  We are not alone.  We don't just have our own life to look at to see God's faithfulness.  Nope.  We have every believer that has walked this earth.  Look at any life dedicated to Christ and you can see God's faithfulness.  Just ask!  How has God been faithful to you?  You will hear amazing stories. 

 

And so I wait.  I wait to go and talk to the landlord of this beautiful house on Saturday.  I will continue to pray that God will provide a home for us closer to our work.  But I will do it within the parameters of recognizing that even if we don't get this house, that God's plan is still alive and well. We may stay put and drive crazy amounts of hours each week.  We may be provided with a totally different house that we could have never imagined.  Or, we might get to rent the house we are hoping for.  Location is no longer the point....building my faith in a God who has always been faithful...that's where I need to be right now.