Everything AND the Kitchen Sink

There is a kitchen sink sitting in my dining room.  Not an extra sink set up and functioning mind you.  Just a sink.  It is silently mocking me.  It is a daily reminder of what has yet to come and what is currently going on.  Its tilted against a book shelf and waiting for the day it will be put in a suitcase and taken to Ecuador, and yes...when we travel we take everything AND the kitchen sink.  I need it there.  I can't bring myself to put it away. 

The sink is a gentle reminder that we need to get back to Ecuador.  Every day as I walk past it I am forced to face the fact that although we need to get back to Ecuador in June, our funding is only at 60% and our support account started this month in the negative. God has called us to return to Ecuador and there is no doubt about that. I just wish I knew the plan to get us back there. Sometimes our road back to Ecuador is a difficult one.  It is usually a big unknown.  But we are not alone in our unknown and difficult road. 

God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son and did not reveal His plan to provide a ram until the very last moment (Genesis 22).  God did not reveal his plan to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo until they had stepped into the fire (Daniel 3).  And, God did not reveal His full plan for Jesus to all humanity until after Jesus had been crucified, dead, buried, and raised from the dead (check out all four gospels!). 

My situation is nothing new.  It is also no surprise.  The truth is that God often times allows difficulty to come our way.  It is not that God is singling us out.  It is actually quite the contrary.  We live in a fallen world and with a fallen world comes difficulty.  I am not talking about the deep dark heart ache that rears its ugly face and leaves us breathless.  That is another blog for another day.  I am referring to the uncomfortable moments that pepper our lives. 

We must be cautious not to exaggerate our difficulties and we must keep perspective. In a world full of suffering our daily frustrations seem too small to address.  But, day by day they are there and they are calling our name.  What do we do?  How do we act?  And why on earth can't they just go away?!

What we do is call our difficulties what they are; growing pains.  My youngest currently gets up at night complaining that his legs hurt.  It's growing pains.  He is shooting up taller and faster than his clothing can keep up with him.  He is experiencing pain because he is growing.  Growth often causes pain.  We can expect that.  But what we can also expect is the result.  We can expect to be taller when it is over.  If we handle our daily difficulties correctly we can also be taller at the end of the day.  We can find ourselves having grown deeper in our faith and stronger. 

We surely don't need to pretend that our difficulties do not bother us.  Pretending is just a fluffy word for lying and lying never got anyone anywhere good.  We need to face our difficulties with the grace and poise of a person who knows that in the end God has a plan.  It's the difference that a world walking, sometimes running, towards hell needs to see.  It is in those moments the non-believer notices a difference.  We hold our head up.  We live with hope.  And when asked, we need to have the reason for our hope ready to be shared.  Just check out 1 Peter 3:15.

This is why our difficulties can't just "go away."  God has a plan for them.  When difficulties show up the Christian's response has the potential to point to Jesus and save lives eternally.  Most people don't respond well to difficulty.  Many people complain about their situation, blame others for their problems, or hide in a hole to try to escape them.  But God calls us to be different.  Roman 12:12 says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  We are to be joyful not because we are pretending but because deep down we have the hope of Jesus.  We are to be patient because growing takes time.  And, we are to be faithful in prayer.  When our difficult times arrive are we spending more time complaining and worrying or on our knees in prayer? 

And so today, as my sink is sitting in the dining room staring at me and our support account is looking tired and weak, I choose joy.  I leave the sink there because I need to practice choosing joy.  It does not just happen.  I choose it.  I choose to find hope in the God who has made a way for all to be redeemed because He deserves that and so much more.  I find patience because I know that "...all things work together for good for them that love God."(Romans 8:28).  I will pray to God that I will grow and strengthen in my faith during these difficult times.  I will also pray that that sink will fit into our suitcase because we forgot to take the tape measure with us when we bought it.   

wandering feet

"Andi!  Your feet are pointed in two different directions! That's not going to help you get where your going!"  It was an eye opening statement. At 6:30 am I was not quite awake and the fact that I was doing a squat seemed to me to be sufficient.  But that's why we have trainers.  They keep you on your toes...and your toes in the right direction.

I started to think about the coaches words of wisdom.  If your feet are pointed in two different directions you will not be able to get where you are going.  Practical advice.  My brain mingled these thoughts with my own personal walk with God.  What are the paths that my feet try to walk down simultaneously with my walk with God?  The path of easy.  The path of personal preference.  The path of good enough.  The path of me first.

God requires both feet in the same direction.  Total dedication. I was working with Micah the other day on learning the number 5.  I instructed him to go and pick out 5 different colored crayons so that we could do an art project.  He came back with 5 different shades of orange.  He had one foot pointed towards the "listening" path and one pointed towards the "everything must be orange" path.  He was not all in.

God gives us many opportunities to be all in.  Often, instead of pointing both of our feet down God's path we try to walk in two different directions.  We try to figure out how we can please God but keep it within our own boundaries.  We try to do what He asks but do it "our" way.  For growth to take place we must be willing to go outside of our comfort zone.

Why is it that we seem to fall into this false illusion that God asking us to do something difficult means that He can not be trusted?  Page after page in scripture we see difficult situations presented and God's faithfulness winning out.  Look at Joshua.  His story in scripture is so outside the box.  Imagine what you would have done if God told you to assemble your army and start marching circles around your enemy.  Don't touch them.  Don't bring extra ammunition.  Just march circles.

It was not the easy path.  And it could not have been accomplished with one foot facing another direction.  Joshua's army was all in.  They marched those circles and when God said to "yell out" they yelled out and God tumbled the wall. What if they had quietly strolled around that wall?  What if instead of yelling they just quietly whispered so that others didn't look and point?

Where in my life are my feet pointed in two different directions?  Where am I trying to fit God into my own rules?  Where can I give up control so that I can go deeper in relationship with the creator of the universe?   It starts with a small step.  It starts with twisting my foot around to join my other foot and it takes practice.  Old habits are hard to beat and it does not always happen without a fight.  As I go back to the gym each day I get those gentle reminders as the trainer yells across the room, "Andi, feet!!".  The trainer is on my side but he is not willing to let me half do my workout.  He reminds me what I am fighting for.  Just as I need accountability in my workout we also need accountability in our walk with God.

Sharing our goals and desires for growth with other believers who are willing to do the "hard" with us is called fellowship.  We were not made to walk these paths alone.  We need others along side us to help us keep our feet pointed in the same direction. As we encourage others in their walk with God we too are encouraged.  And as others encourage us we find that we are not alone.  We find that there are others who have stories like Joshua.  Others who God has asked to go outside their comfort zone and find deeper relationship.  It requires trust and guts.  It requires willingness.  And at 6:30 in the morning at the gym, it requires a trainer hollering out , "Andi!  Feet".

treadmills and thankfulness

 "The time to be thankful is now over and people are now out getting ready to shop for this holiday season."  I almost fell off my treadmill.  I am talking "grab the tray in front of me because I am going down" kind of fall.  Luckily, no one but my father was at the gym with me and he was across the room with his headphones on.  He saw nothing.  He still has no clue.  It was the Friday morning after Thanksgiving.

As I gathered my wits that had scattered to the four winds, I wondered if I had imagined what I had just heard.  The morning national news caster had just plainly stated that "The time to be thankful is now over".  How on earth is it that we are about to enter into the Advent Season and the time to be thankful is over?  Isn't Thanksgiving the starting gate for a season of extra thankfulness?

I spent the rest of my stationary run thinking about how lost our world truly is.  The world tells us to take one day a year and be thankful.  The world tells us that even that might be too much.  Maybe just take part of a day.  Hit those stores early! Get the best deals!  Slowly our focus is chipped away.  And suddenly we find ourselves looking in the wrong direction.  One step at a time we have walked away from what we need to be walking towards.  We never seem to do it in big swooping choices.  Its the little things.  It's one by one adding too much to our schedules so that we have no time left to rest.  Its adding so many people to our shopping list that we can not do anything BUT shop during the holiday season.  Its trying so hard to make the holiday special that you never really have time to actually enjoy it.  There are just so many ways to lose focus and lose thankfulness. 

This year I have decided to rebel against the misconception that the holidays just have to be crazy.  I am choosing rest.  I am choosing to be thankful for what I have around me.  Thankful for the events around town that we get to experience this year in the states.  I will shop.  I will be busy.  But not so busy that I forget what it is all about.  As Christians we are called to a lifetime of thankfulness.  All those years ago a baby was born in a manger with one purpose and one purpose alone.  He was born to die.  He left the comforts of heaven to come to earth and sacrifice all that he had so that we could join Him one day in heaven.  That kind of sacrifice deserves more than one day of thanks per year.

So what do we do in a world that is not compelled to be thankful?  What do we do with those "one day of thankfulness a year is sufficient" wanderers?  How do we live our lives without condemning those around us and turning them off from the gospel message?  I believe it is all about our attitudes.

A very wise friend once told me an analogy that helped me greatly in how I view people who are not believers.  She said, "If a person walks up and steps on your toe you might yelp and even get upset at their carelessness.  However, if a blind man walks past you and steps on your toe you would have grace and immediate forgiveness because he could not have possibly seen you there."

As believers we are the person who gets stepped on.  Sometimes it is by fellow believers and sometimes it is not.  My toe was stepped on by that news caster.  He stomped on my foot so hard I almost ended up as treadmill road pizza.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to let him know how wrong he was.  But expecting others to live out a thankfulness that is not their own is unfair.  With out those attitudes of thanklessness there would be no contrast to the genuine thankfulness.  Without that contrast how would the world see their need for true thankfulness?

We need not impose our standards upon the unbelieving world.  They are not living a life of thankfulness for a Savior that pulled them from the pit.  They have not yet experienced the miraculous grace that overflows our hearts with thankfulness.  To expect them to act thankful would be disingenuous.  It would be asking them to be fake.

With that said we now can not be disingenuous ourselves.  We can not live a life pretending to be unthankful so as not to offend those around us.  Instead, we need to live out our thankfulness in a way that is appealing to those who do not  know true thankfulness.  We need to stop preaching to others what they need to do and start doing it ourselves.  Let's BE thankful.  Let's act thankful.  Let's let the world be drawn to our thankfulness.  In that, we can entice the world to come and find out what is different.  Let's share with the world what we have in our hearts that makes us thankful.  Then, maybe we can distract someone from their holiday preparations long enough to allow the Holy Spirit to do a work in their lives.  We can draw people in with our thankfulness rather than push them away with our judgmental attitudes.

Let's live the change we want to see in the world.  Let's bring about a conversation that will give people a reason to be thankful.  Let's give that news caster a new story to tell in his broadcast.  And let it not be a story about a girl who half killed herself listening to his broadcast.

Half marathons and farewells

Several years ago I ran a half marathon.  You may thing this is about to be a pat myself on the back type of story but listen closely and you will see how wrong you are.  I ran a half marathon and was the last runner across the line.  Now, mind you, I was not the last racer across the line.  There are always the walkers.  I was in that gap.  I was the slowest runner, or the fastest walked depending on how you looked at it!  I had always wanted to see if I could finish this type of race and I did.  It took a lot of practice and to this day my left knee has not forgiven me for it. 
My husband came and took the finish line picture but those are deeply buried.  It was not that glorious and graceful finish line photo we all see on TV.  I had imagined it many times before the race; what it would be like to cross that finish line in victory; the wind blowing through my hair, my legs lunging for the finish line.  Instead, it was the hottest day i have ever experienced (which might be because I was running a half marathon!) and as I approached the finish line my hair was plastered to my face, my very very red face.  I was shuffling towards the finish barely able to make it.

  Suddenly there was a girl who had already finished the race who came back to run the last leg along side me.  I don't know who she was to this day.  But she talked to me and distracted me through the final steps, and just before the finish line she said to me, "I am going to let you finish these last few steps alone so your picture is just you coming across the line."Many times in life we imagine how certain situations are going to turn out.  We have a snapshot in our mind that we aspire to.  And sometimes that mind's picture is not at all how things turn out.  This past week has been an unexpected snapshot. 

We have been preparing to move back to the states for several months.  It is always a process.  This year that process was complicated by moving to a new location about a month ago.  We have been living in a state of chaos for about 3 months trying to accomplish all of this while maintaining ministry obligations and homeschooling.  In my mind the kids were going to be relieved and super excited to go to the states.  They always are because they get to see family that they have not seen in a very long time. 

Goodbyes are difficult and my kids have become somewhat professionals at the uncomfortable task.  But yesterday was different.  Yesterdays tears of goodbye came from a deeper place in my kids that I had not seen before. As we were saying goodbye to some friends of ours one of my kids got quite emotional and so i took them to the car to sit for a moment.  In the car I said something even I did not expect.  I said, "You know, my heart is so happy that these goodbyes are so difficult for you."  What!?  Who says something like that to a crying child!!  This was parenting at its finest!

What you have to understand is a prayer I have prayed for many many years.  I have prayed for my children to grow deep relationships with the children where we work.  In years past friends have been made, great friends, but it has always been OK when it was time to return to the states.  As I was talking to my child they blurted out in their frustration, "I don't want to leave!"  I have always feared that comment but I never thought it would show up in this country.  I had a snapshot in my mind of having to drag my children onto the plane as they grabbed onto their grandparents, cousins, and such.  But this, this was no snapshot I had ever seen. 

In a moment full of emotion and frustration, a prayer was answered.  My child put a stake in the ground and said," this is my home.  I don't want to leave my home."  And do you know what? I get it.  For the first time in my life I don't want to leave either.  I feel as though we have just gotten here and just started true relational ministry and now God says, "Trust me and walk away".  And so far my response has been, "OK God, I do trust you, but walk away?  What is the game plan here?  Why is this the best way?  If I were to stay I could do so much!"  And in that last statement I realize the answer I so desperately seek.

 "I".  If I were to stay I would be tempted to believe that it was me accomplishing the work.  I would pat myself on the back and say, "Good job Andi!"  But God knows better.  He knows I need to see that HE is at work in Chaguarpamba.  He is about to do great things. 

These past few weeks of ministry have been excruciating.  We have people we have been discipling for about 1 1/2 years here that were making progress and seeking the Lord.  Scripture was making a difference in their lives.  Then, two months ago, just before we moved here the local priest went around to some of our disciples and had a chat with them.  He threatened them with cutting them off from the town if they did not stop studying the Bible with us.  He scared them.  And from that fear, we have lost almost all of our disciples.  In a small town like Chaguarpamba a threat like that cuts to the heart.  

So, as we were getting ready to leave and saying our goodbyes, I was a bit curious at what the future would look like here in Chaguarpamba.  What would the ministry be when we return?  BJ and I have always said this ministry resembled a marathon over a 5K.  What I did not realize was that the ministry here would focus mainly on the children.  For some reason most people in town do not seem to mind sending their kids to our children's club.  It gives parents Saturday mornings free and the kids come home with a craft and a snack.  We are very slowly raising up a new generation.
 

Last night we held our second meeting at our home, that will continue while we are gone, thanks to a dear pastor friend of ours.  It was not what I expected.  It was another snapshot that did not live up to my expectations.  It was better.  The people I thought would arrive were no where to be found.  Instead, our guests were the greatest surprise.  Two girls.  Two girls who have been attending our children's club even though they are in High School.  Two girls whom I invited but never really thought would show.  And as they left after a great time of Bible Study and reflection, the one girl whispered in my ear, "We are definitely coming back next week!". 

During Monday study there is always a large group of kids running around the area in front of our house.  Study time is peppered with children laughing and yelling in the background.  Its chaotic but it's how its done.  Yesterday had all the normalcy of children noises in the background but there was one difference.  A boy.  One of Elijah's friends, Fabian, was standing at the door listening through most of our Bible study.  Even though it was his last moments with his friend for a while Fabian was drawn to listening about the Bible. 

In a few moments we will be climbing into our car and saying goodbye to a place we have quickly learned to call home.  And as difficult as this goodbye will be, there is joy in the difficulty.  I am so thankful that my kids have made such deep friendships.  I am so thankful for my sleepy faced four year old coming downstairs today teary eyed, asking why we must go.  I am thankful for my two older children who have shed many tears over friends they are leaving behind.  Its a prayer that has been prayed over many years, and its hard to see it come to fruition.  But, knowing my kids call this place home is a great confirmation that this is where God has called each of us to be. 

As we got into the car to start our journey to the states I listened to the kids in the back happily chattering about all the family and friends we would see in the states.  Elijah and Lydia are telling Micah all about the house we will be living in because he was too young to remember the last time we were there.  Excitement lies ahead.  Right now as i conclude my thoughts i know two things are true.  First, that no matter where God leads our path it will be wonderful.  And two, if it is going to rain my achy half marathon knee will give us fare warning.  

Pronouns and a Grandmother's Wisdom

One of my kids has a profound love of pronouns.  It drives me a little crazy.  This child will walk in the room and say things like, “When did he do it?” or “Where is it?”,  and stares at us as if we are supposed to magically understand what the heck they are talking about.  On certain days when my patience level is a bit depleted, I forbid this child to use pronouns.  I have heard myself say over and over again, “I can’t help you if you don’t explain yourself!”  It is at this point that I begin to hear my grandmother’s voice in my head. 

My grandmother is quite the wise woman.  She is a lady of few words and so when she speaks people listen.  When BJ and I first came to the mission field we were not the greatest at writing support letters.  We did not yet understand the concept of team.  Instead, we felt as though we were a bother to people when we would ask for financial support of our ministry.  And so, one day my grandmother, with our prayer letter in hand, looked me square in the eye and said, “Andrea, how are people supposed to help if you don’t explain your needs!”  I guess this problem runs in the family.

 

Over the years BJ and I have come to understand team on a much deeper level.  We now know that we are not self-sufficient.  The type of work we do does not get done alone.  It takes a team.  It takes people who are willing to open their homes to allow us to share with them and their friends about the ministry.  It takes people who are willing to give of their finances.  It takes people who are willing to get on their knees and pray for us and those we work with.  It takes so many people for us to do what we do. 

Recently I heard those wise words of my grandmother echo in my mind.  We are getting ready to come to the states for six months and I have begun to realize that there is this list in my head of things I wish people knew.  Me being me, I try to just push those feelings aside and put on my happy face because no one wants to be around a mope.  But then I hear my grandmother, “Andrea, how are people supposed to help if you don’t explain your needs!”  So I am going to choose to be brave here.  I am going to be a bit honest and shed a little light onto the subject.  You might be surprised but let’s see how it goes. 

1.        1.  We are weary.  We have been working non-stop with very few breaks.  We recently moved to a new community while trying to prepare for coming to the United States.  We have had a lot of changes.  We are weary in heart because we have lost a lot of team members in the past few months and goodbyes are hard.  We are weary in sadness because we have lost 6 pets since January.  We are weary in physical stamina because without team the burden of work has been immense.  We are weary as a family because with all of the chaos that has surrounded us and because of the distances we have been traveling to do the work of 5 people; we have not had much time together as a family. 

2.      2.   We are spiritually hungry.  We live in a place that is in great need for the gospel message.  We love living here in Ecuador and shining the light of hope into the darkness, but living in the darkness is hard. Attending church as a family is difficult because services start when our kids go to bed. Deep and mature believers are far and few between yet because we have only been working in this area for two years. Two years is just not enough time for depth.  We miss fellowship of believers and hearing a sermon in our hearts language.  We miss being taught instead of always teaching.

 

3.       3.  We are always pinching pennies.  We come home to fund raise and update churches/individuals of the work in Ecuador and our monthly support drops down.  We are told by some that they will support us again when we return to work on our field of ministry.  And so while we live in a more expensive country to raise our funds for the next few years we generally have a lower income.  We travel a lot having to buy gas, eat out, and stay in hotels.  Those things are not cheap but they are the only way to reach people with the news of what God is doing in Ecuador.  Its absolutely worth it but it is stressful and expensive. 

4.       4.  Our kids struggle.  Ecuador is their home.  This time coming to the states will be Micah’s first memories of the United States because when we left last time he had just turned 2.  People our kids don’t recognize tell them how big they have gotten but all they know is that they are the only one who does not recognize faces.  Everyone seems to know them but they don’t know anyone.  And at times they just want to be shy. It takes them a while to settle in to these big changes.  

5.       5.  We look weird.  We have come home with the clothes on our backs and they are not pretty.  We have looked up youtube videos to learn how to cut our hair because the locals don’t know what to do with our “gringo hair”.  We have been wearing the same clothes for over two years now and everything is faded, stained, and full of holes.  We hope you won’t notice us shopping.  We are the ones freaking out in the dressing room.  We don’t know what sizes we are anymore and all the new styles look weird.  The overwhelming amount of choices is fun for the first few seconds but then turns into a sea of too many choices.  Shopping is hard (just ask my family…they have seen this first hand and can account for the disaster it is!)

6.       6.  We want to talk about more than the weird food we eat and the odd customs of Ecuador.  We want to find people who are truly interested in hearing about the amazing but difficult years that have passed.  We want to tell about how many ways we have seen God move and change lives.  We want to tell about the times that we thought there was no hope only to see God change hearts, especially our own.

 

7.       7.  We long to be a bit closer to normal.  We know this will never happen completely but if you ever see us doing something crazy please give us grace.  For instance, when our eyes bulge out of our heads because we ordered a large soda and expected to get a 3 ounce juice glass and instead got a gallon jug….just smile and hug us.  If you see us start to tear up at the gas pump because in Ecuador a gallon of gas costs $1.48, just hug us tighter.  If you see us jumping for joy in a convenient store because our coffee we are pouring into our cup is not instant granules and we just can’t hold in that kind of joy…jump with us.  And finally, if we are in a conversation and suddenly revert to Spanish and say things that completely make no sense at all, just smile, hug us, and gently tell us it happened again. 

8.       8.   We are hording.  We have exactly from the time we step off of the plane to the time we set foot back on the plane to go back to Ecuador to buy the next several years of supplies (all this on our depleted budget).  We stock up on shoes, clothing, school supplies, books, house hold items like sheets and towels, and even Christmas presents for the years ahead.  Imagine not being able to buy shoes or clothes for several years! The cost of clothing is double to triple to the cost in the United States and the quality is quite poor.  When you live in a country where you are a head and shoulder above the average person...clothing that fits is hard to come by. What we do buy gets old and fades.  Shoes wear out.  Kids grow out of clothing at alarming rates.  But, whatever we take is all there is.  Our bodies are not the same shape as Ecuadorian bodies.  Our feet are bigger than Ecuadorian feet.  If we don’t take it we don’t have it and there’s no running to “Walmart” to get what we forgot.  We hoard like crazy!

    This is our reality.  We love what we do.  We can't imagine doing anything else.  We love coming to the states and sharing about what God is doing in Ecuador.  We love living in Ecuador and see God transform lives.  We love being surprised at how much bigger God is than we ever gave Him credit.  We love the depth we have in our relationship with God because we have been stretched to our limits and then asked to take another step.  We know God is good.  We know He provides.  But we also know that what my grandmother says is true, “How are people supposed to help if they don’t know your needs?”  So now you know.  If you are like me and like a handy list, below are some very tangible ways you can help us or any other missionary coming to the states for a home ministry assignment. 

.               1.   Invite them to your bible study group without asking them to lead it.  Let them be fed and invest in their time of spiritual renewal before they return to a place where they can only feed themselves. 

5.       2.  Encourage them with your words.  Let them know they are appreciated.  Let them know you are on their team and praying for them.  Let them know you read their emails and don’t forget them while they are gone.  Let them know you see them. 

1.            3. Buy them gift cards.  Clothing stores, restaurants, gas cards, and such are super helpful as they travel from here to there and everywhere.

2.         4.   Buy them a trip to the hair salon.  It will help them get a little closer to normal while taking out the extreme cost. 

          5. Send them on a date.  They finally have family to babysit but no money for a nice dinner out away from the kids. They have not been on a date in forever!

3.        6.   Invite them over to dinner.  Let them share from their hearts about what God is doing.  Let them ask you the same questions. Let them enjoy sweet fellowship.  

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There are probably so many other things I could add to these thoughts.  So many other great ways you can bless your missionaries.  Be creative and get involved.  Your missionaries will be ever so grateful.  

Rats, fears, and Chewbacca

I've been hiding.  I have been hiding from a rat.  I know i am bigger than him but I don't care. I have been going upstairs to my room at 9pm when Eli goes to bed every night.  When i come down in the morning I turn on a flash light and shine it all around downstairs while I scramble to turn on the light in hopes that it scares the rat away (I rise before the sun does).  It never comes out during the day so I know I am safe in daylight.  But, at night i hide.  I can't wait for BJ to get home from his travels and kill this thing!  I cant convince myself to set a trap for fear that i won't have the guts to dispose of it once it is caught.  And so I hide.

I have this other little problem I hide from.  It is another type of fear that creeps up just as we are about to head home to our home ministry assignment in the States.  Its this fear that people will notice.  Notice that I have aged, gained weight, and who knows what else.  Visiting people every 2-4 years makes change very noticeable.  I know it and cant avoid it.  And sometimes, I dread it.
This year when I come to the States I want people to notice a different change in me.  A depth that was not there before.  A desire that was not as pronounced.  A growth that is greater then it was when I last visited.  I want people to notice my passion and love for the Lord.
This past two years has been anything but easy.  Many tears and much heartache have plowed the fields for God's word to be planted.  Sorrow has be my companion.  Not in a depressed and hopeless fashion, but instead in a way that my heart has ached for what it sees.  Everywhere I go I see shrines set up for worshiping idols.  I see people saying prayers to these idols and giving money to touch them so they can be healed.  I see so many lost people.

This heartache has drawn me closer and closer to my Savior because I know that I am not what they need.  I know that I can not do what needs to be done.  But in all of this crying out of my heart I have been drawn closer to my Father.  I have delved deeper in scripture time and time again.  I have been led to pray as i have never prayed before.  This province has transformed me.  There is still so much work to be done, and many more years that lie ahead.  I can only imagine the relationship that lies ahead as a result.  I desire the depth but I fear the means.

In the next two weeks we will be taking a great step in this journey to reach the lost of Loja Province.  We are moving to the small town of Chaguarpamba.  It is a town where we have 4 discipleship groups meeting regularly .  We meet with people open to the gospel and have grown deep relationships.  They are our friends.

This past week we found out that another family we have been discipling in this town was told by their local priest that they needed to stop doing Bible study with us or they would be cut off from social life in the town.  They have asked us to stop coming to do study.  Since this happened we have not seen our other disciples.  We do not know if they received the same threats.  But what we do know is that God told us to go.  He told us to live there and claim that ground for His Kingdom
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I believe Satan wants us to be discouraged.  He wants us to believe that there is no hope.  He wants us to see no options.  But he is not my guide.  I have read the last chapter of the book and I know who wins.  I know that if I am willing to get on my knees and pray for the people of Loja Province that God will honor those prayers.  Each person is responsible for his/her own decisions but we will not stop praying that their hearts would be led to the truth.

Battles are not pretty.  There is much bloodshed and death in battle.  In a more practical sense we have daily battles that we are presented with.  As a parent I choose which battles I want to fight very carefully.  It has to be worth it.  One battle I chose not to fight was the one over orange clothing.  Micah is compelled daily to wear orange.  He loves that color and just can't have a good day without it.  So, i bought him several orange pieces of clothing.  He is happy and I don't have to keep washing the one orange shirt he used to own.  On the other side, I did choose the "I don't want to shower, ever!" battle.  I believe the reasoning on that one is self explanatory.  The battle must be worth it.  And if we are going to fight it there can be no going back.

This is how I feel about Loja Province.  It is a battle we have chosen and there is no going back.  It is hard.  Some days are filled with tears and heartache.  Other days are decorated with victories that keep us smiling for days on end.  But through it all, what i am learning most of all is that my walk with God has been deepened.  I know my Savior in a whole new light.  A light that only shines when i am willing to allow those dark corners to be available.  My weaknesses have been made known and my Lord has been found not lacking.

I have also learned that my weaknesses are not my downfalls.  They are the areas where God can be on display the most.  They are the areas where others can see that what once was a struggle is now a victory.

I am still human and i still have many areas that need work.  I still doubt.  I still make poor choices.  But regularly and with more consistency I am gaining ground.  I hope others can see that when I return to the States.  Not because I want to be the focus, but because I want others to see that if God can do a good work in me, that there is hope for them too.  I want people to be drawn to my God, not to me.
I don't want to hide anymore.  I don't want to worry more about my physical appearance than my spiritual.  I want to have a heart that draws others to freedom in Christ.  I want to be brave.  My oldest son, Elijah, thinks that every problem can be solved by strapping on his Chewbacca mask and grabbing a light saber.  He has used this method to fend off chickens when collecting eggs.  He has used it to scare the bejeebers out of his sister when playing hide-and-seek in the dark.  He has even used it to kill cockroaches that invade our house when the nearby fields are burnt.  Its his "go to" reaction.

I desire that automatic reaction.  I want to go to God automatically because it is what I have always done.  And when people ask, I want to share with them the faithful relationship God has so generously given me.  And through this deepening of relationship and growth of bravery, maybe some day I will come out of my bedroom, Chewbacca mask on and light saber in hand, ready to kill that rat.

Faucets and Prayer

She walked into the bathroom of the airport and the culture shock unfolded.  She was in the stall next to me.  Her first giggle-filled comment was, "Mommy!  There is soooo much toilet paper in here!"  Then, shortly after, came the gasp and yelp as the toilet automatically flushed.  From there she went to wash her hands and there were no knobs on the sink...it just automatically came on as if someone was secretly watching and waiting to turn on the water on for her.  Finally she went to dry her hands and the amount of air that came from the hand dryer was like a hurricane force wind.  None of this experience was familiar.  Everything was new and confusing.

Lydia's first moments of culture shock are a story that we have shared many times.  We all laugh and chuckle as we recall the simple things that were so foreign to our third culture kids.  Sometimes culture shock is quite humorous, especially when it happens to us.  I remember one year just before we came home to the states and the night prior to leaving BJ and I were watching a movie and were very confused by one part of the film.  The male lead character was standing in front of his television swinging a stick at it and jumping up and down as if it was totally normal. There was no explanation and we were totally lost.  We were utterly confused...until we came home to the states and discover Wii.  My absolute favorite story thus far in our culture shock moments was the year we came home and could not figure out why everyone in the airport had gone stark raving mad.  So many people were walking around the airport talking to themselves and no one seemed concerned.  It was absolutely bizarre...until we learned about Bluetooth.

Sometimes life can be like culture shock.  We find ourselves in a completely unfamiliar moment and do not quite know what to do. Standing bewildered and unsure.  Not knowing which way is up.  Some time ago, when we were beginning this work here in Loja Province, we stated that this ministry would be more of a marathon then a sprint.  It would take a lot of work and mountains of patience.  But still, i had fences around what that would look like.  God has slowly been knocking down those fences and asking me one very simple question, "Do you trust me?"

Prayer is something I have found to be the foundation of all we do here in Loja Province.  It is not just a part of the ministry.  It is the thread that runs through the entire ministry.  Nothing we do can have any profit without prayer.  Many years ago while sitting in Hughes Chapel at Asbury College I heard a man speak from the pulpit.  I do not remember his name but his words left an indelible mark in my heart.  We had just finished singing the great hymn "Sweet Hour of Prayer".  He stood up and instead of following what his planned sermon would be, he began by making a startling statement.  He said, "You must be careful the words that come out of your mouth as you sing to God.  You must be careful not to sing the words on a page if they are not true of yourself.  How many of yo u have ever spent an hour in prayer?  How many of you are truly able to worship God because of the sweetness of spending an hour of time in prayer with Him?"

I have never forgotten those words.  I began asking God to develope in me a heart that desires hours of prayer.  It seemed so outragous and impossible.  But over the years God has slowly grown the desire in my heart for time in prayer.  Over the years as i was a newlywed, then a new mom, then a mom of multiple children I have learned that my priorities are what gain my time and attention.  I have also learned that my time goes where i choose to put it.  It has not been a sprint.  It did not happen over night.  But, slowly over time, the Lord has grown the desire in my heart because I have chosen to give my time to Him.  James MacDonald talks about the lives of Christians having a pattern of  increasing consistency and frequency.  It will not be perfect but over time as we look back we will see a pattern emerge of growth in our lives.  We will be closer to God.  We will be deeper in our faith.  We will be stronger in our understanding of scripture.

At first, I did not realize that prayer would be the main thread of the work in Loja.  I knew that it was important.  I knew it was part of what we would do.  But, what i did not realize was that God would make me stop life in order to pray.  It was my culture shock moment.  It was my "bewildered and unsure" moment.  Currently my team members are all gone.  One team member is on Home Ministry Assignment raising funds in the states.  Another couple that we work with had to return to the states for medical reasons.  BJ is traveling for the next several weeks with only a few days at home.  I am at home with the kids.  I can not go and "do" discipleship.  This month the town where i live is bulging at the seems.  Tons of visitors have poured in to participate in a march of an idol through several of the nearby towns as well as our own.  Because of this roads are shut down and I am literally stuck at home.

There is so much that I want to "do".  I want to go and spend time with our disciples.  I want to be active in ministry.  But, God said sit.  God said stay home.  God said pray.  And so in the midst of the confusing unfamiliarity I find myself closer to God then ever.  We have been talking.  We have been focusing on the individuals that could some day be the leaders of churches.  We have been focusing on team member around the country and around the globe. We have been focusing on God's heart.  With more frequency and consistency as time goes by I know that what lies ahead can only be greater then what i am now experiencing.  And what i am now experiencing is depth and intimacy with my Heavenly Father.

Some days ministry does not look like what we expect.  Some days ministry is a sink with knobs...familiar and comfortable.  Other days it is man standing in front of his tv waving a stick and jumping around.  It is totally outside of what we thought it would be.  But, in the end, regardless of what it is, if it is from God it is the best step to take.