Hangry and unable to help

Its ten o'clock in the morning and I just realized I have not eaten breakfast....again.  For most of the morning I was convinced I had...but now that I think about it I realize I did not.  It is a common mom problem, I believe.  I made my kids and husband breakfast this morning.  I got distracted cleaning all of that up and then went on to other things.  I remembered the smell of the food.  I remember placing it on the plates.  Surely I ate it right?  This is me typically once or twice a week.  Then suddenly it is 10am and I am, well, hangry.  Its ugly....and then I ask myself, "Why am I acting this way?"  And it hit me....just because you make food and put it on a plate does not mean it found its way to your mouth!  I have been awake for 4 1/2 hours and not eaten.  Yup...

I am great at taking care of others.  If you need something I am there for you.  I love caring for people.  It brings me joy and fulfillment.  My personal struggle is receiving help from others.  I am fiercely independent.  "I can do it!" is my motto.  My competitive nature does not help this shortcoming.  Because not only can I "do it" but I can "do it" better.  Can anyone identify with this?

My shortcomings became glaringly obvious about a month ago.  A bulging disc in my neck rendered me to complete bed rest for about three weeks.  It was a while before we got a firm diagnosis and recovery was quite slow.  I could do nothing.  Friends and fellow missionaries brought us meals.  My kids cleaned the house and helped each other out.  BJ ran every which direction getting medication, caring for the kids, and helping me get around when necessary.  I could do nothing but receive.  Guilt started to consume me.  I didn't know why I was sick but surely it had to be my fault.  I did this to myself and now everyone else was paying the price. 

It took me a while to realize that this illness was the kindest gift God could have given me.  I did not realize it at first.  It was so wrapped up in my own pity party that I did not realize God was using this situation to teach me something.  It was not just the 10am breakfast, it was a life of 10am breakfasts.  It was me helping everyone but myself.  It was me realizing that even though I enjoyed helping others so much, maybe it was time to give others that same opportunity. 

I have come to understand that guilt is a tool of Satan.  It is vague and unclear.  It has no end in sight and no purpose.  It gives no guidance and no hope.  It offers feelings of worthlessness and demise.  Guilt takes us down a dark and lonely road.  Bleakness and shadows are its companion.  Guilt is not something God dishes out.

So where does that leave God?  Does God use guilt?  I would venture to say no.  I think what God uses is conviction.  How are they different?  Conviction is based in love.  It is the Holy Spirit showing us what we need to work on so that we can have deeper fellowship with God.  Conviction is specific. It is pointed directly at something with a purpose.  It is light at the end of the tunnel.  It is a better way before us.  Conviction is hope. 

In Romans chapter 7 Paul talks about the conflict of man knowing what he should do and yet not doing it.   As he works through that he gets to this great moment in chapter 8 where he says,
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

You see guilt is associated with manipulation; it is making a person feel bad; forced sorrow.  God is not a manipulator.  He is all about freedom.  He is about choices, even when he does not like the choices we make.  Guilt is from the other side.  It is Satan at work trying to sow seeds of manipulation and untruth in our hearts. 

I started to realize these feelings of guilt in my heart and begun to label them more accurately.  When I feel guilty about something I stop and re-evaluate because Satan is trying to get a foothold.  He must not win this ground.  He is welcome to no space in my life.  I stop and look to see if there is an area that needs work.  Do I even have control over this?  Is what I feel valid? 

The late author Jack Miller was once quoted as saying, “Cheer up! You’re a worse sinner than you ever dared imagine, and you’re more loved than you ever dared hope.”

God does not leave us in a pit to sit and wallow.  He offers newness of life and redemption.  He offers hope.  When we lose sight of that it becomes very easy to settle into guilt.  We feel inadequate and begin to feel like we are drowning in inability. 

I was feeling this way shortly before I fell sick.  I literally fell. I was overwhelmed with life and trying so hard to love others that I had forgotten about myself.  I was constantly thinking about how others were doing and feeling.  I was preoccupied with what I could do to make other people happier.  No one had asked me to.  I just took it upon myself as a way to love. It was a very imperfect love.  I was giving all I was away to everyone else and saving nothing for myself.  I was worn out and exhausted. 

 It came out of the blue when that terrible moment struck.  I had been sitting down and when I stood up I lost all use of the left side of my body from the neck down.  I slammed into the wall as I tried to walk towards the bed to sit down.  I was alone with my kids in a hotel room.  Lydia immediately began crying knowing something was very wrong.  I tried to play it off and asked her to get me a bottle of water as I got to the bed and sat down.  "I must be dehydrated" I said.  In my mind I was trying to calm myself down as well as her. 

Meanwhile, BJ was at the airport picking up a friend of ours we knew from years back, who since that night has become a much closer friend.  We had been hosting his two teenage kids for just over a week and their father (our friend) had come to travel home with them to the States.  I called BJ at the airport where they were grabbing a bite to eat and told him he needed to come to the hotel and take me to the Emergency Room.  We left our kids with this friend and his kids.  (Later Elijah asked me how long we had know this family and when I answered him his immediate response was, "You practically left us with strangers!")

Once BJ arrived at the hotel things kinda get fuzzy.  I no longer had to keep it together for the kids so once the kids were out of sight I just kinda lost it.  Was I having a stroke?  Aneurism?  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I walk?  Once at the hospital things got even fuzzier...the medications they put me on as a precaution in case it had been a stroke clouded my brain pretty well.  Then the anti-anxiety meds they gave me (evidently I was not acting very calm) really fogged over my brain.  And that's when it began...three weeks of nothing.  No helping.  No cooking.  No caring for others.  Not one good deed for one single person.
 It was as if God said, "Since you won't let people in to help you in your daily life, I will be giving others a consolidated amount of time to catch up on loving you."  And so I walked down the difficult road of receiving.  Meals arrived.  Kids were taken care of.  Phone messages were received.  Prayers were offered.  And I just received.  And that's when I experienced it.  Conviction.  I needed to be willing to accept help.  I needed to let people in.  I needed to recognize that I could do life better in community.  And if I did that, I would experience what it is like to live as God intended.  That's the difference between guilt and conviction.  Guilt would tell me this sickness was all my fault.  Guilt would say "Your making people cook for you because you let things fall apart."  That's guilt.  But conviction said otherwise.  Conviction said receive.  Conviction said learn what it is to live in community.  Learn what it is to be a part of a team. 

I have not got it all figure out.  Learning is a slow process for me, with many repeated lessons.  But I am learning that a good balance of giving and receiving is exactly what God had in mind.  I have learned to say thank you and not feel guilt.  I have learned to let others bless me as I so enjoy blessing others.  As for those 10am breakfasts...well...I am working on it. 

a monopoly kind of committment

Gnashing of teeth, plotting, embellishing rules, tears, and absolute dedication....and we were only five minutes into the game.  Monopoly was more than a game in my childhood it was an experience.  When you come from a family of competitive folks like mine game night got a little crazy but when monopoly came out....it got a whole lot of crazy.  We were all in and winning was not an option...it was the only answer.  And because everyone could not possibly win...someone was always unhappy at the end.  And that was not the end of it.  For weeks after the game conversations would continue of "If only...I could have won"  or "I think someone may have cheated."  We were committed to the game. 

Yesterday I saw someone go from being a listener to being a committed believer.   I had the privilege of visiting a sweet friend we are discipling in Chaguarpamba.  I had a visitor with me, Abbie.  She is 16, from North Carolina, and came to see what everyday missions looks like. I took her to see Katy.   I had not had many opportunities to visit with Katy lately because she got a job outside the town where she lives and has not been home much.  But it was a Saturday morning and she was home for the weekend.  We sat down to study the Bible and she was deeply engaged in working through the passage we were studying. 
Right now we are using a preset list of questions that we go through when studying a passage of scripture.  We want those who study with us to know that they can study scripture at any time and not just when we are visiting.  By giving them questions and using them over and over they learn a way to study scripture on their own and their confidence builds. 
The questions look like this:
     1.  What in this passage do you like?  What draws your attention?
     2.  What do you not like?  What is confusing?
     3.  What can I learn about God in this passage?
     4.  What can I learn about mankind in this passage?
     5.  How can I apply what we learn in this passage to our lives?
     6.  Who can I share this lesson with?
So, when we got to the last two questions I figured we would get an answer similar to "all scripture is good to learn and put in practice"  and "I will share it with my family since they are not here to study today".   Those answers would have been fine.  But, yesterday I got to see commitment.  I got to see Katy go from learning and applying scripture to her own life, to something much deeper. 

When I asked Katy question number 5 her answer floored me.  She said, "Andrea, I find these studies really important.  I am learning so much.  At the school where I am counseling children I have started going through these studies with my students.  They need God.  So much of what I am learning in these studies is just what the kids need to hear also."  I was so surprised that I just kinda stared blankly at her.  Then my eyes started welling up with tears.  I don't think Katy realized how important that answer was.  My reaction surprised her but also greatly encouraged her.

Katy went from a listener to a committed player for God.  It was no longer a secret in her heart or even just amongst her family.  She is now all in.  She knows this truth is exactly what the world needs and she is not afraid to get out there and do the hard work. 

Commitment can be an amazing thing to witness when your working for God.  Its not just a milestone, it is personal growth.  It is an individual deepening in faith and committing to God at a whole new level.  It is beautiful. It is God at work among His people completing His purposes.  It is such a privilege to get to see these results!  As a follower of Christ my job is to go where God leads, do what He asks, and not worry about whether or not things turn out how I think they should.  Obedience is a hard lesson.  I like to understand why things happen.  Sometimes in this line of work sharing Gods word can be quite similar to beating ones head against a wall.  You continue to do the same thing (sharing God's word) and in the end all you end up with is a headache.  But those are the moments where I figure my character needed building and that those moments were for my own benefit and not others.  It was my learning time.  My time to learn to trust. 

Meeting with Katy was a huge gift yesterday.  I got a chance to see why.  I got to see how.  And I got a chance to be absolutely blessed.  Seeing someone grown in their faith and dedication to the Lord is a slow process.  But as time passes and God does the work in a persons life, we get to see an amazing transformation.  We see commitment grow.  And unlike Monopoly, the more committed a person is to sharing God, the deeper the relationship grows and the more united the community of believers becomes.  Monopoly bears scars and dissent.  God brings beauty and love. 

Groucho Marx is on my face!

A black eyebrow.  Yup.  I was so tired that I actually grabbed the wrong pencil and colored my eyebrow black. My first clue came when I finally turned on the light.  Yes doing one's makeup in the dark is not recommended but I was tired and my eyes were not yet ready for the light!  Thank heavens I finally did turn on the light. I saw the disaster and I quickly grabbed the makeup remover and removed Groucho Marx's mustache from above my eye.  It was an unexpected moment and it will stick with me....I will now always turn on the light before putting on my makeup....and I will always double check the color of the pencil before I use it.

Unexpected moments come for better or worse.  The bigger the "unexpected" the deeper the impact it leaves on our life story.  BJ and I recently had one of these bigger unexpected moments.

BJ and I went to visit a piece of property the other day that OMS Ecuador is considering purchasing.  It is in Chaguarpamba, where a majority of our ministry takes place.  The idea is to build a home for our family to live in so that we can be closer to the people we are discipling.  It has already been a long road yet we are just at the beginning of this chapter of our Ecuador story.

 We had set up a meeting with the land owner and the municipality.  They were coming to measure out some property lines. After the workers left we were standing around talking with Luis, the property owner, and his adult daughter.   Mari, his daughter, began asking us questions about who we were and what we do.  As we began to tell her about our ministry Mari began jumping up and down with excitement.  She proceeded to tell us that she is an evangelical Christian living in Guayaquil.  She comes and visits her parents every few months.  She said, "I have been praying for someone like you guys to come here and share the good news!"  BJ replied, "I think God is answering your prayers."

That was it.  A moment that left an indelible mark.  Knowing that it is not just our own hearts that have a passion for reaching the lost of this area was a great gift.  God has been so good to us!  We have no doubts that Chaguarpamba is where God is leading us.

Today when we arrived at kids club in Chaguarpamba there were already 5 kids waiting for us at the basketball court.  The kids didn't even let us get out of the car before they were hugging on us.  It was a sweet gift.  Later that morning when I walked across the street to purchase juice to serve to the kids I struck up a conversation with the store owner.  Amidst this conversations she informed me that the kids had been standing at the gate since 8 am.  Club didn't start until 9:30!!  She told me that she had gone out and told the kids that they were very early but they simply responded that they wanted to be early to help us set up.  They just couldn't wait!  "The kids here really love you guys", she said.

Another indelible mark.  Another unexpected moment that continued guiding us towards the decision we have been walking toward.  Neither situations were necessary but they were both welcomed comfort.  And sometimes that's just what we get!  Comfort.  Blessing.  Scripture tells us, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God."  There are some pretty good perks to being a part of God's family.  One of which being the Heavenly Father gives us more then we need or deserve.  Bonus blessings.  Like light switches to turn on so that we can see that ridiculous eyebrow before we walk out in public.....

Trust and spilled coffee

I woke up at 5:30 this morning seeking quiet.  We moms are professional ninjas when peace and quiet are at stake.  I very quietly tiptoed down the stairs.  I made a creamy cup of coffee and sat down on my couch to read my Bible and pray.  No kids. No noise. It was perfect.  And then within 5 minutes of sipping my delicious cup of coffee and reading, I heard it.  The sound no mother wants to hear that early in the morning....the sound of a bedroom door opening.  Down the steps trotted two little feet with a sleepy morning smile.  I was once told to consider those early morning visitors as special guests to my morning quiet time.  Within a few seconds my "special morning guest" knocked over my precious cup of coffee and broke my favorite mug.  It was at that very moment I knew what was on the horizon....TV.  That's right folks.  I played the TV card so I could have a "quiet" time.  I didn't get mad.  I didn't yell.  I just did what I had to do. 

Sometimes when we do everything right, things still go wrong.  On a much deeper level this is a struggle everyone grapples with at some point in their life.  Most of us many times.  Children die, marriages crumble, and dreams crash to the ground.  People betray us, our intentions are misread, a freak accident and we are left bewildered.  We cant even catch our breath. Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why, when we live life the way we should, do things still go wrong?  This question seems easy enough to answer when someone else asks it.  We rattle off pat answers like, God is in control, or God can use it.  But when we find ourselves asking these questions those pat answers seem hollow and abrasive.  No comfort.  No answer can be found that soothes the soul. 

What do we do when life piles up?  We all know those people in our lives that seem to be a magnet for difficulty.  Hard times seem to be their majority.  The hits just keep coming and coming and we look to God in our confusion.  What do we say?  How do we love them without seeming fake and shallow?  How do we walk with them through the hard times?  And what do we do when we are that person? 

Today, after mopping up my morning coffee, I read Psalm 73.  Its not an easy chapter.  It's blunt.     Its coarse honesty makes you uneasy.  And yet it gave me hope.  If scripture can be brutally honest then maybe I can also be nakedly honest with God.  In the beginning of the chapter the author whines and complains about those he sees who are corrupt yet rich, healthy, and without trouble.  Listen to the words of the author in verse 16, "When I tried to understand all this it was oppressive to me"  Verse 13 says, "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence."  Do you hear this pity party here folks?  I did what I was supposed to and am sick, poor, and in pain.  Others do wrong and are rich and healthy.  WHY GOD?!  You can hear the bitterness in the tone. 

In verse 21 it says, "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."  He is calling himself out on his own actions.  He calls himself a brute beast!  The author feels betrayed and can't figure out how on earth God applied his permission on his specific situation.  In scripture we find that God does not cause all things, but He does permit all things(see Romans 5:12 and James 1:13).  This permission is what hurts the most in difficult times. 

When we are in pain our focus gets skewed.  We forget our equality in the human race.  Romans 3:10 says, "There is no one righteous, not even one"  We are all unworthy of any good in our lives.  Any sins we have committed have condemned us to a forever sentence of hell.  What we tend to lose focus of is that all we deserve is the bad. 

Now please don't take me as a doom sayer.  There is a great ending on this story.  The gift that Jesus rendered on the cross reveals an unimaginable twist.  Jesus paid our death sentence.  He did for us what we could not do for ourselves.  He paid a price too high for our own actions to compensate.  He saved us.  And what is amazing is that he put no price on receiving his gift.  "Free!" he calls out to us. "Come and receive. I have taken care of this!" Now, think about God's roll in this.  The father has knowingly sacrificed his son so that all of humanity would have the opportunity to spend eternity with Him in heaven.  He provided a way for us to be forgiven.  And what do we do? 

There seem to be three responses I have concluded to.  First, you have the ones who simply say "no".  They snub their noses to the fact that someone else provided a fix to their problem.  What is so frustrating is that their choice doesn't negate the fact that Jesus died on the cross.  Instead its just a smack in the face to God that says, "I don't want your help"  "I did not ask Jesus to do what he did." 

Second, you have the Yes, but.  This is the person that accepts Jesus Christ as their Savior but brings with them a list of requirements.  They say things like, "Thank you for saving me Jesus, but I want life to be easy from here out." or "Thank you for saving me Jesus, but I want control over how things go from here."  Their Christian walk is fraught with crisis after crisis because they don't know what to do when things go awry.  I think if we were honest this is where a lot of us find ourselves.  Maybe in different degrees of the "yes, but" syndrome but its where most of us are.  We get stuck.  We get angry.  We claim to trust God, but when push comes to shove we point the finger right back at God.  We struggle. How is there freedom from that?

We find freedom in the third response.  James McDonald talks about growing our faith in God.  He says growing ones faith is not done perfectly, but it needs to be done increasingly.  In other words, we need to show fruit of growth in our trust in God.  This is where hard shows up.  When we become Christians we trust God with our life after death but what about our life here on earth?  When we can't understand the reasoning behind life's difficult situations we have to choose to trust.  In each situation that we do choose to trust we receive the gift of proof.  Proof that God can be trusted.  Proof that God is a keeper of his word.  Proof that Matthew 28:20 is true when it says, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  As we mature in our Christian walk we start finding ourselves more on the third view and less and less on the second.  Its a process.  And a slow one at that. 

God does not promise that once we accept Jesus as our Savior that our lives will be easy and problem free.  But he does offer an amazing gift.  The creator of the universe offers to walk with us through life so that when it gets too hard, and it will, He will be with us.  You see when life is easy we do not see as much need for God in our lives as we do when we are living in difficulty.  Now, that is not to say that the only reason God allows trials is to deepen relationship between us and Him.  That would be cruel. 

But God does refine and give opportunity to strengthen our faith through hard to swallow events.  And then those events that seemed impossible to traverse end up becoming a reference point.  A tangible moment in time that we see God at work and feel his presence.  They become moments we return to the next time we are confronted with hardship.  And as we collect those amazing moments of proven faith before us, our relationship deepens and our desperate need to understand the "why" dissipates. 

It all comes down to one prayer.  "Lord, whatever it takes.  Whatever you need from me Lord.  Take what needs to be taken.  Keep what needs to be kept.  As long as you use my life to bring others closer to you Father.  As long as I can be drawn closer to you.  Have your way Father."  As we draw closer to God we need fewer explanations.  We trust and know that He is good because even though we have experienced difficulties we have also seen God's faithfulness during those times. 

Many mornings when my quiet time is interrupted I get mad.  I get a bit self righteous and shake that finger at God. I am the second response we talked about earlier.   But increasingly, yet not perfectly, I am learning to quench my temper and rest in the knowledge that God can be trusted.  I don't always understand and the bigger the situation the harder it is to take that step and trust.  But even though my coffee cup is shattered on the floor my trust is in tact.  My God is good.  Chapter 73 in Psalms ends perfectly with these words, "But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Pizza and Choices

Its a treat not a meal.  This is what I almost daily say to my kids when they want a second piece of cake, extra snacks, or more juice.  I did not listen to this wise advice the other night.  I ate a lot of pizza and cookies. Not like, "Oh a little bit of pizza would be great with a small cookie"  But more like "If I don't eat this pizza and dish of cookie bars the whole world could implode" ate pizza and cookies.   I had generally avoid these foods as a healthy living choice but I decided to have a treat.  It was delicious.  Treats are not bad but when we get out of control with our treats and turn them into meals we have a problem.  The next day for lunch there wasn't much to eat aside from leftovers so again...I dove in.  After pizza and cookies I fell into a sort of sugar coma.  I slept for about an hour.  It was not my finest moments. 
As I lay on my bed and slowly started to come out of my sugar coma I realized a decision needed to be made.  I needed to choose to take new direction in my actions or continue to wallow in my poor eating choices.  So, I got up, laced up my sneakers and went for a run.  Sometimes we need to acknowledge where we are and make a conscious change. 

This story can apply to so many avenues of our lives.  We say something constructive and then figure if we already started we might as well truly say what's on our mind.  We can't help it.  Its just how we are.  Or maybe its a bad attitude.  We try to hold in our frustrations and instead of talking about whats truly going on we rattle off the entire laundry list of annoyances of the week.  It's not like it is our fault that everyone gets on our nerves.  Or maybe its laziness.  We sit down to watch one episode of our favorite TV show for a short rest and end up several hours later still in front of the TV with no excuse for why nothing on our "to-do" list got done. 

God created humans with a free will.  We get to make choices.  And we can make good ones or bad ones.  When we recognize that we have made a poor choice we can either keep going or make some new decisions to get on a better track.  Some times it is a slow recovery.  Sometimes there are irreparable consequences for our actions but we can always choose to turn a corner and make better choices so that we don't rack up a bigger and bigger pile of consequences. 

This is the Christian life.  The opportunity to choose good.   It's what shows the world what changes Jesus can bring in a person.  We make the hard but good choices.  We choose grace when it seems there is no room.  We choose love when others hate.  We choose to help when others only watch.  We choose.  And when we do choose poorly we own up to it.  Sometimes it is the choices we make after choosing poorly that shows the world that Jesus makes a difference.  Being a follower of Jesus gives us the power to make those hard but good decisions.  It also gives us the wisdom and strength to make amends for poor decisions of our past.  And when those times come and we make bad decisions, we can quickly turn away from the bad and turn back to God.  We can let it be a short set back  not a meal. 

Kitchen Brooms and Last Words

I saw a woman today trying to clean up a landslide with a kitchen broom.  I laughed and my team member Jennifer took a photo to document the ridiculous event.  Have you even seen a problem but not had the right tools to deal with it properly?  

Jennifer and I drove into Chaguarpamba today to have some discipleship time with our small groups.  It was as normal a day as could be expected. Once we drove into town we knew all of our plans had gone out the window.  Sadly, as we drove into town we saw that there was a large procession of townspeople walking together towards the local catholic church.  There was a tent set up with many chairs stacked up in front of our friends home.  We quickly figured out that it was a funeral procession and after a quick question to a nearby neighbor we found out that the brother of our dear friend Samuel had died.

It was another reminder of why we are trying to move to Chaguarpamba.  We want to be a part of the lives of our friends and not just a weekly meeting.  I am so grateful that we arrived in town when we did today.  I am thankful we were able to offer a warm embrace and a word of hope.  

As we sat in the church and listened to the priest i felt a heaviness in the room.  The priest told of how Freddy (Samuel's brother) had died from alcohol poisoning.  He then began to preach to his audience of how they should not be like Freddy. Learn to control yourself.  Behave.  Work harder to control yourself.  He then asked for all the mourners to begin to pray that Freddy's sins would be forgiven.  Everything in me wanted to shout out "ITS TOO LATE!!!"  An entire room of people sitting their believing they could pray him into heaven was so heart breaking for me.  Such a lost group of people being led by a man who didn't understand scripture himself.  It was suffocating.  

As I sat and listened I wondered what Freddy would have thought if he knew that the only thing spoken about him at his funeral was "Don't be like him".  I had met Freddy several times.  He was a rough character who was generally drunk when I saw him.  He once gifted me a couple of mangoes and made googly eyes at me as if to say "come hither".  I politely accepted the mangoes and declined the come hither.  

That was all i ever really knew about Freddy.  A few encounters and only one thing stood out; his drinking problem.  He had the wrong tools to remedy his situation.  His brother Samuel, and Samuel's family have been in discipleship with us for about 8 months.  They are seeking after God and sharing what they have learned with others; with people like Samuel's brother Freddy.  He was offered the correct tools (salvation through the gift of Jesus Christ) but he chose to keep chipping away at the landslide of his life with a kitchen broom (alcohol).  

It got me thinking about my own mortality.  When the day comes that I arrive in heaven before my God and Savior what will those left behind say of me?  Will they talk about my faults?  My shortcomings?  I really hope not.  I hope that they talk about my love for God and honestly if all they talked about was God and not me a snip i would be elated.  After all its not about me.  And its ALL about God.  

I sat in the church looking at the sea of people dressed in black.  I saw so many people needing to know that there was hope.  They see pain and suffering on a regular basis.  They live hard lives.  But if they only knew that there was hope.  If they could only see that rather than trying to work for their salvation that they could receive the free gift of eternal life, that hard life might not seem so hard.  They could find joy and peace.  They need the right tools.  

 I pray that we can continually encourage this family and many others to discover the correct supplies that God provides through scripture to handle what life throws at them.   I pray that tonight as Samuel and his family rest their heads on their pillows to sleep that they rest in the assurance that they have found in Christ.  I pray that God would be their comforter.  And I pray that when it is their time to enter heaven, that those left behind would speak of the God they served and the Jesus they knew and shared. 

Peeking between Fingers

Imagine if you will how a totally random person can go from calmly driving down the curvy road of Loja province without a care in the world, to screaming at the top of her lungs as she sees a huge tarantula carrying its dinner, a rodent, on its back across the street in front of her car. No, this is not a science fiction movie, this is my life!  Sometimes you see things that you wish you could "un-see".  Sometimes you feel like going through life peeking out from behind your hands that are covering your eyes.  Maybe it would just be easier not knowing. 

I have been feeling this way for the past several months.  Only wanting to peek out from behind my fingers because I am receiving what feels like too much information.  Too much information and not enough plan.  I don't work well like this.  Don't get me wrong, I like knowing what's coming!  But, I also like to know the "how" behind the "what".  I know that is how we see our faith built, but its really really hard!!

Let me explain.  BJ and I have been aware for quite a while that living in Catamayo and working in Chaguarpamba and Balsas (which are between 90-150 minutes away) was not an easy fit.  There have been good reasons for us to live in Catamayo.  The closeness of fellow missionaries, the ease of access to larger cities, and even a close by airport made it a great place to start. But, as time has passed and our regions of focus has narrowed it is seeming less and less reasonable for us to stay put in Catamayo. 

Driving anywhere from 9-14 hours a week just to get to the people we are working with is a bit hard to swallow.  Now that we know where our ministry is concentrating we want to be closer to these areas.  We strongly feel God calling us further west into the province of Loja, Ecuador.  We know Chaguarpamba is where we are headed.  But that's all we know!  We know the "what" but have very little information on the "how".  We know that living amongst the people whom we are discipling is the right decision.  We know sharing life together is wiser then showing up for a weekly meeting.  But what if that's all you know! 

This is our life right now.  We know when we return from Home Ministry Assignment (we will be returning to the states for a few months sometime in the fall and winter of this year) we need and want to move out to Chaguarpamba.  Now more than ever we are heavily relying on our faithful God who has brought us this far. 

We have begun our own investigation.  We checked out any possibilities for rental homes and came up empty.  Chaguarpamba is quite a small town and those who live there have lived there for generations.  Homes don't generally go up for sale or rent.  And so we are left covering our eyes with our hands and only peeking out from between the cracks of our fingers.  God is narrowing down the options but what's left seems quite impossible. All that is left is the opportunity to see God do the amazing. 

We are currently looking into purchasing property in Chaguarpamba and building a home.  In a way, we hope to stake a claim for God in this community.  We want the people to know that they matter to us and to God.  We want to live life with them and not just meet with them once a week.  We desire relationship.  Relationally it makes all the sense in the world and we are very excited about it.  Our kids have many friends in the town as a result of our kids club "bread and fish" that we help run every Saturday.  Financially though, that's where the eyes are covered and we are peeking out. 

We know God is in this.  We know it is all going to be for His glory.  But we also know that without you, our partners in ministry, none of this can come to completion.  We are currently saving up to be able to make a down payment on a piece of property.  As soon as we have the finances we will purchase land and begin construction.  This will be a personal expense.  Our monthly mortgage payments will be paid from our support account just as our rent normally is, but the initial payment is on us. We are leaning heavily on God to bring this to completion. 

 
We know that God's timing is perfect and that He reveals to us His plans in just the right timing.  Our faith is stretched and growing and we know that even when it hurts or is scary; His plan is perfect. Our faith helps us to peel back our fingers from covering our eyes and realize that it is not a big scary spider in front of us but rather God's best for us wrapped up in experiences that bring us closer to Him.  And, even though there ARE big scary spiders in Chaguarpamba (we are talking the size of a head of iceberg lettuce folks!) the fear of them can not outweigh the need of those who live there.  "Spider-pamba" here we come!