treadmills and thankfulness

 "The time to be thankful is now over and people are now out getting ready to shop for this holiday season."  I almost fell off my treadmill.  I am talking "grab the tray in front of me because I am going down" kind of fall.  Luckily, no one but my father was at the gym with me and he was across the room with his headphones on.  He saw nothing.  He still has no clue.  It was the Friday morning after Thanksgiving.

As I gathered my wits that had scattered to the four winds, I wondered if I had imagined what I had just heard.  The morning national news caster had just plainly stated that "The time to be thankful is now over".  How on earth is it that we are about to enter into the Advent Season and the time to be thankful is over?  Isn't Thanksgiving the starting gate for a season of extra thankfulness?

I spent the rest of my stationary run thinking about how lost our world truly is.  The world tells us to take one day a year and be thankful.  The world tells us that even that might be too much.  Maybe just take part of a day.  Hit those stores early! Get the best deals!  Slowly our focus is chipped away.  And suddenly we find ourselves looking in the wrong direction.  One step at a time we have walked away from what we need to be walking towards.  We never seem to do it in big swooping choices.  Its the little things.  It's one by one adding too much to our schedules so that we have no time left to rest.  Its adding so many people to our shopping list that we can not do anything BUT shop during the holiday season.  Its trying so hard to make the holiday special that you never really have time to actually enjoy it.  There are just so many ways to lose focus and lose thankfulness. 

This year I have decided to rebel against the misconception that the holidays just have to be crazy.  I am choosing rest.  I am choosing to be thankful for what I have around me.  Thankful for the events around town that we get to experience this year in the states.  I will shop.  I will be busy.  But not so busy that I forget what it is all about.  As Christians we are called to a lifetime of thankfulness.  All those years ago a baby was born in a manger with one purpose and one purpose alone.  He was born to die.  He left the comforts of heaven to come to earth and sacrifice all that he had so that we could join Him one day in heaven.  That kind of sacrifice deserves more than one day of thanks per year.

So what do we do in a world that is not compelled to be thankful?  What do we do with those "one day of thankfulness a year is sufficient" wanderers?  How do we live our lives without condemning those around us and turning them off from the gospel message?  I believe it is all about our attitudes.

A very wise friend once told me an analogy that helped me greatly in how I view people who are not believers.  She said, "If a person walks up and steps on your toe you might yelp and even get upset at their carelessness.  However, if a blind man walks past you and steps on your toe you would have grace and immediate forgiveness because he could not have possibly seen you there."

As believers we are the person who gets stepped on.  Sometimes it is by fellow believers and sometimes it is not.  My toe was stepped on by that news caster.  He stomped on my foot so hard I almost ended up as treadmill road pizza.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to let him know how wrong he was.  But expecting others to live out a thankfulness that is not their own is unfair.  With out those attitudes of thanklessness there would be no contrast to the genuine thankfulness.  Without that contrast how would the world see their need for true thankfulness?

We need not impose our standards upon the unbelieving world.  They are not living a life of thankfulness for a Savior that pulled them from the pit.  They have not yet experienced the miraculous grace that overflows our hearts with thankfulness.  To expect them to act thankful would be disingenuous.  It would be asking them to be fake.

With that said we now can not be disingenuous ourselves.  We can not live a life pretending to be unthankful so as not to offend those around us.  Instead, we need to live out our thankfulness in a way that is appealing to those who do not  know true thankfulness.  We need to stop preaching to others what they need to do and start doing it ourselves.  Let's BE thankful.  Let's act thankful.  Let's let the world be drawn to our thankfulness.  In that, we can entice the world to come and find out what is different.  Let's share with the world what we have in our hearts that makes us thankful.  Then, maybe we can distract someone from their holiday preparations long enough to allow the Holy Spirit to do a work in their lives.  We can draw people in with our thankfulness rather than push them away with our judgmental attitudes.

Let's live the change we want to see in the world.  Let's bring about a conversation that will give people a reason to be thankful.  Let's give that news caster a new story to tell in his broadcast.  And let it not be a story about a girl who half killed herself listening to his broadcast.

Half marathons and farewells

Several years ago I ran a half marathon.  You may thing this is about to be a pat myself on the back type of story but listen closely and you will see how wrong you are.  I ran a half marathon and was the last runner across the line.  Now, mind you, I was not the last racer across the line.  There are always the walkers.  I was in that gap.  I was the slowest runner, or the fastest walked depending on how you looked at it!  I had always wanted to see if I could finish this type of race and I did.  It took a lot of practice and to this day my left knee has not forgiven me for it. 
My husband came and took the finish line picture but those are deeply buried.  It was not that glorious and graceful finish line photo we all see on TV.  I had imagined it many times before the race; what it would be like to cross that finish line in victory; the wind blowing through my hair, my legs lunging for the finish line.  Instead, it was the hottest day i have ever experienced (which might be because I was running a half marathon!) and as I approached the finish line my hair was plastered to my face, my very very red face.  I was shuffling towards the finish barely able to make it.

  Suddenly there was a girl who had already finished the race who came back to run the last leg along side me.  I don't know who she was to this day.  But she talked to me and distracted me through the final steps, and just before the finish line she said to me, "I am going to let you finish these last few steps alone so your picture is just you coming across the line."Many times in life we imagine how certain situations are going to turn out.  We have a snapshot in our mind that we aspire to.  And sometimes that mind's picture is not at all how things turn out.  This past week has been an unexpected snapshot. 

We have been preparing to move back to the states for several months.  It is always a process.  This year that process was complicated by moving to a new location about a month ago.  We have been living in a state of chaos for about 3 months trying to accomplish all of this while maintaining ministry obligations and homeschooling.  In my mind the kids were going to be relieved and super excited to go to the states.  They always are because they get to see family that they have not seen in a very long time. 

Goodbyes are difficult and my kids have become somewhat professionals at the uncomfortable task.  But yesterday was different.  Yesterdays tears of goodbye came from a deeper place in my kids that I had not seen before. As we were saying goodbye to some friends of ours one of my kids got quite emotional and so i took them to the car to sit for a moment.  In the car I said something even I did not expect.  I said, "You know, my heart is so happy that these goodbyes are so difficult for you."  What!?  Who says something like that to a crying child!!  This was parenting at its finest!

What you have to understand is a prayer I have prayed for many many years.  I have prayed for my children to grow deep relationships with the children where we work.  In years past friends have been made, great friends, but it has always been OK when it was time to return to the states.  As I was talking to my child they blurted out in their frustration, "I don't want to leave!"  I have always feared that comment but I never thought it would show up in this country.  I had a snapshot in my mind of having to drag my children onto the plane as they grabbed onto their grandparents, cousins, and such.  But this, this was no snapshot I had ever seen. 

In a moment full of emotion and frustration, a prayer was answered.  My child put a stake in the ground and said," this is my home.  I don't want to leave my home."  And do you know what? I get it.  For the first time in my life I don't want to leave either.  I feel as though we have just gotten here and just started true relational ministry and now God says, "Trust me and walk away".  And so far my response has been, "OK God, I do trust you, but walk away?  What is the game plan here?  Why is this the best way?  If I were to stay I could do so much!"  And in that last statement I realize the answer I so desperately seek.

 "I".  If I were to stay I would be tempted to believe that it was me accomplishing the work.  I would pat myself on the back and say, "Good job Andi!"  But God knows better.  He knows I need to see that HE is at work in Chaguarpamba.  He is about to do great things. 

These past few weeks of ministry have been excruciating.  We have people we have been discipling for about 1 1/2 years here that were making progress and seeking the Lord.  Scripture was making a difference in their lives.  Then, two months ago, just before we moved here the local priest went around to some of our disciples and had a chat with them.  He threatened them with cutting them off from the town if they did not stop studying the Bible with us.  He scared them.  And from that fear, we have lost almost all of our disciples.  In a small town like Chaguarpamba a threat like that cuts to the heart.  

So, as we were getting ready to leave and saying our goodbyes, I was a bit curious at what the future would look like here in Chaguarpamba.  What would the ministry be when we return?  BJ and I have always said this ministry resembled a marathon over a 5K.  What I did not realize was that the ministry here would focus mainly on the children.  For some reason most people in town do not seem to mind sending their kids to our children's club.  It gives parents Saturday mornings free and the kids come home with a craft and a snack.  We are very slowly raising up a new generation.
 

Last night we held our second meeting at our home, that will continue while we are gone, thanks to a dear pastor friend of ours.  It was not what I expected.  It was another snapshot that did not live up to my expectations.  It was better.  The people I thought would arrive were no where to be found.  Instead, our guests were the greatest surprise.  Two girls.  Two girls who have been attending our children's club even though they are in High School.  Two girls whom I invited but never really thought would show.  And as they left after a great time of Bible Study and reflection, the one girl whispered in my ear, "We are definitely coming back next week!". 

During Monday study there is always a large group of kids running around the area in front of our house.  Study time is peppered with children laughing and yelling in the background.  Its chaotic but it's how its done.  Yesterday had all the normalcy of children noises in the background but there was one difference.  A boy.  One of Elijah's friends, Fabian, was standing at the door listening through most of our Bible study.  Even though it was his last moments with his friend for a while Fabian was drawn to listening about the Bible. 

In a few moments we will be climbing into our car and saying goodbye to a place we have quickly learned to call home.  And as difficult as this goodbye will be, there is joy in the difficulty.  I am so thankful that my kids have made such deep friendships.  I am so thankful for my sleepy faced four year old coming downstairs today teary eyed, asking why we must go.  I am thankful for my two older children who have shed many tears over friends they are leaving behind.  Its a prayer that has been prayed over many years, and its hard to see it come to fruition.  But, knowing my kids call this place home is a great confirmation that this is where God has called each of us to be. 

As we got into the car to start our journey to the states I listened to the kids in the back happily chattering about all the family and friends we would see in the states.  Elijah and Lydia are telling Micah all about the house we will be living in because he was too young to remember the last time we were there.  Excitement lies ahead.  Right now as i conclude my thoughts i know two things are true.  First, that no matter where God leads our path it will be wonderful.  And two, if it is going to rain my achy half marathon knee will give us fare warning.  

Pronouns and a Grandmother's Wisdom

One of my kids has a profound love of pronouns.  It drives me a little crazy.  This child will walk in the room and say things like, “When did he do it?” or “Where is it?”,  and stares at us as if we are supposed to magically understand what the heck they are talking about.  On certain days when my patience level is a bit depleted, I forbid this child to use pronouns.  I have heard myself say over and over again, “I can’t help you if you don’t explain yourself!”  It is at this point that I begin to hear my grandmother’s voice in my head. 

My grandmother is quite the wise woman.  She is a lady of few words and so when she speaks people listen.  When BJ and I first came to the mission field we were not the greatest at writing support letters.  We did not yet understand the concept of team.  Instead, we felt as though we were a bother to people when we would ask for financial support of our ministry.  And so, one day my grandmother, with our prayer letter in hand, looked me square in the eye and said, “Andrea, how are people supposed to help if you don’t explain your needs!”  I guess this problem runs in the family.

 

Over the years BJ and I have come to understand team on a much deeper level.  We now know that we are not self-sufficient.  The type of work we do does not get done alone.  It takes a team.  It takes people who are willing to open their homes to allow us to share with them and their friends about the ministry.  It takes people who are willing to give of their finances.  It takes people who are willing to get on their knees and pray for us and those we work with.  It takes so many people for us to do what we do. 

Recently I heard those wise words of my grandmother echo in my mind.  We are getting ready to come to the states for six months and I have begun to realize that there is this list in my head of things I wish people knew.  Me being me, I try to just push those feelings aside and put on my happy face because no one wants to be around a mope.  But then I hear my grandmother, “Andrea, how are people supposed to help if you don’t explain your needs!”  So I am going to choose to be brave here.  I am going to be a bit honest and shed a little light onto the subject.  You might be surprised but let’s see how it goes. 

1.        1.  We are weary.  We have been working non-stop with very few breaks.  We recently moved to a new community while trying to prepare for coming to the United States.  We have had a lot of changes.  We are weary in heart because we have lost a lot of team members in the past few months and goodbyes are hard.  We are weary in sadness because we have lost 6 pets since January.  We are weary in physical stamina because without team the burden of work has been immense.  We are weary as a family because with all of the chaos that has surrounded us and because of the distances we have been traveling to do the work of 5 people; we have not had much time together as a family. 

2.      2.   We are spiritually hungry.  We live in a place that is in great need for the gospel message.  We love living here in Ecuador and shining the light of hope into the darkness, but living in the darkness is hard. Attending church as a family is difficult because services start when our kids go to bed. Deep and mature believers are far and few between yet because we have only been working in this area for two years. Two years is just not enough time for depth.  We miss fellowship of believers and hearing a sermon in our hearts language.  We miss being taught instead of always teaching.

 

3.       3.  We are always pinching pennies.  We come home to fund raise and update churches/individuals of the work in Ecuador and our monthly support drops down.  We are told by some that they will support us again when we return to work on our field of ministry.  And so while we live in a more expensive country to raise our funds for the next few years we generally have a lower income.  We travel a lot having to buy gas, eat out, and stay in hotels.  Those things are not cheap but they are the only way to reach people with the news of what God is doing in Ecuador.  Its absolutely worth it but it is stressful and expensive. 

4.       4.  Our kids struggle.  Ecuador is their home.  This time coming to the states will be Micah’s first memories of the United States because when we left last time he had just turned 2.  People our kids don’t recognize tell them how big they have gotten but all they know is that they are the only one who does not recognize faces.  Everyone seems to know them but they don’t know anyone.  And at times they just want to be shy. It takes them a while to settle in to these big changes.  

5.       5.  We look weird.  We have come home with the clothes on our backs and they are not pretty.  We have looked up youtube videos to learn how to cut our hair because the locals don’t know what to do with our “gringo hair”.  We have been wearing the same clothes for over two years now and everything is faded, stained, and full of holes.  We hope you won’t notice us shopping.  We are the ones freaking out in the dressing room.  We don’t know what sizes we are anymore and all the new styles look weird.  The overwhelming amount of choices is fun for the first few seconds but then turns into a sea of too many choices.  Shopping is hard (just ask my family…they have seen this first hand and can account for the disaster it is!)

6.       6.  We want to talk about more than the weird food we eat and the odd customs of Ecuador.  We want to find people who are truly interested in hearing about the amazing but difficult years that have passed.  We want to tell about how many ways we have seen God move and change lives.  We want to tell about the times that we thought there was no hope only to see God change hearts, especially our own.

 

7.       7.  We long to be a bit closer to normal.  We know this will never happen completely but if you ever see us doing something crazy please give us grace.  For instance, when our eyes bulge out of our heads because we ordered a large soda and expected to get a 3 ounce juice glass and instead got a gallon jug….just smile and hug us.  If you see us start to tear up at the gas pump because in Ecuador a gallon of gas costs $1.48, just hug us tighter.  If you see us jumping for joy in a convenient store because our coffee we are pouring into our cup is not instant granules and we just can’t hold in that kind of joy…jump with us.  And finally, if we are in a conversation and suddenly revert to Spanish and say things that completely make no sense at all, just smile, hug us, and gently tell us it happened again. 

8.       8.   We are hording.  We have exactly from the time we step off of the plane to the time we set foot back on the plane to go back to Ecuador to buy the next several years of supplies (all this on our depleted budget).  We stock up on shoes, clothing, school supplies, books, house hold items like sheets and towels, and even Christmas presents for the years ahead.  Imagine not being able to buy shoes or clothes for several years! The cost of clothing is double to triple to the cost in the United States and the quality is quite poor.  When you live in a country where you are a head and shoulder above the average person...clothing that fits is hard to come by. What we do buy gets old and fades.  Shoes wear out.  Kids grow out of clothing at alarming rates.  But, whatever we take is all there is.  Our bodies are not the same shape as Ecuadorian bodies.  Our feet are bigger than Ecuadorian feet.  If we don’t take it we don’t have it and there’s no running to “Walmart” to get what we forgot.  We hoard like crazy!

    This is our reality.  We love what we do.  We can't imagine doing anything else.  We love coming to the states and sharing about what God is doing in Ecuador.  We love living in Ecuador and see God transform lives.  We love being surprised at how much bigger God is than we ever gave Him credit.  We love the depth we have in our relationship with God because we have been stretched to our limits and then asked to take another step.  We know God is good.  We know He provides.  But we also know that what my grandmother says is true, “How are people supposed to help if they don’t know your needs?”  So now you know.  If you are like me and like a handy list, below are some very tangible ways you can help us or any other missionary coming to the states for a home ministry assignment. 

.               1.   Invite them to your bible study group without asking them to lead it.  Let them be fed and invest in their time of spiritual renewal before they return to a place where they can only feed themselves. 

5.       2.  Encourage them with your words.  Let them know they are appreciated.  Let them know you are on their team and praying for them.  Let them know you read their emails and don’t forget them while they are gone.  Let them know you see them. 

1.            3. Buy them gift cards.  Clothing stores, restaurants, gas cards, and such are super helpful as they travel from here to there and everywhere.

2.         4.   Buy them a trip to the hair salon.  It will help them get a little closer to normal while taking out the extreme cost. 

          5. Send them on a date.  They finally have family to babysit but no money for a nice dinner out away from the kids. They have not been on a date in forever!

3.        6.   Invite them over to dinner.  Let them share from their hearts about what God is doing.  Let them ask you the same questions. Let them enjoy sweet fellowship.  

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There are probably so many other things I could add to these thoughts.  So many other great ways you can bless your missionaries.  Be creative and get involved.  Your missionaries will be ever so grateful.  

Rats, fears, and Chewbacca

I've been hiding.  I have been hiding from a rat.  I know i am bigger than him but I don't care. I have been going upstairs to my room at 9pm when Eli goes to bed every night.  When i come down in the morning I turn on a flash light and shine it all around downstairs while I scramble to turn on the light in hopes that it scares the rat away (I rise before the sun does).  It never comes out during the day so I know I am safe in daylight.  But, at night i hide.  I can't wait for BJ to get home from his travels and kill this thing!  I cant convince myself to set a trap for fear that i won't have the guts to dispose of it once it is caught.  And so I hide.

I have this other little problem I hide from.  It is another type of fear that creeps up just as we are about to head home to our home ministry assignment in the States.  Its this fear that people will notice.  Notice that I have aged, gained weight, and who knows what else.  Visiting people every 2-4 years makes change very noticeable.  I know it and cant avoid it.  And sometimes, I dread it.
This year when I come to the States I want people to notice a different change in me.  A depth that was not there before.  A desire that was not as pronounced.  A growth that is greater then it was when I last visited.  I want people to notice my passion and love for the Lord.
This past two years has been anything but easy.  Many tears and much heartache have plowed the fields for God's word to be planted.  Sorrow has be my companion.  Not in a depressed and hopeless fashion, but instead in a way that my heart has ached for what it sees.  Everywhere I go I see shrines set up for worshiping idols.  I see people saying prayers to these idols and giving money to touch them so they can be healed.  I see so many lost people.

This heartache has drawn me closer and closer to my Savior because I know that I am not what they need.  I know that I can not do what needs to be done.  But in all of this crying out of my heart I have been drawn closer to my Father.  I have delved deeper in scripture time and time again.  I have been led to pray as i have never prayed before.  This province has transformed me.  There is still so much work to be done, and many more years that lie ahead.  I can only imagine the relationship that lies ahead as a result.  I desire the depth but I fear the means.

In the next two weeks we will be taking a great step in this journey to reach the lost of Loja Province.  We are moving to the small town of Chaguarpamba.  It is a town where we have 4 discipleship groups meeting regularly .  We meet with people open to the gospel and have grown deep relationships.  They are our friends.

This past week we found out that another family we have been discipling in this town was told by their local priest that they needed to stop doing Bible study with us or they would be cut off from social life in the town.  They have asked us to stop coming to do study.  Since this happened we have not seen our other disciples.  We do not know if they received the same threats.  But what we do know is that God told us to go.  He told us to live there and claim that ground for His Kingdom
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I believe Satan wants us to be discouraged.  He wants us to believe that there is no hope.  He wants us to see no options.  But he is not my guide.  I have read the last chapter of the book and I know who wins.  I know that if I am willing to get on my knees and pray for the people of Loja Province that God will honor those prayers.  Each person is responsible for his/her own decisions but we will not stop praying that their hearts would be led to the truth.

Battles are not pretty.  There is much bloodshed and death in battle.  In a more practical sense we have daily battles that we are presented with.  As a parent I choose which battles I want to fight very carefully.  It has to be worth it.  One battle I chose not to fight was the one over orange clothing.  Micah is compelled daily to wear orange.  He loves that color and just can't have a good day without it.  So, i bought him several orange pieces of clothing.  He is happy and I don't have to keep washing the one orange shirt he used to own.  On the other side, I did choose the "I don't want to shower, ever!" battle.  I believe the reasoning on that one is self explanatory.  The battle must be worth it.  And if we are going to fight it there can be no going back.

This is how I feel about Loja Province.  It is a battle we have chosen and there is no going back.  It is hard.  Some days are filled with tears and heartache.  Other days are decorated with victories that keep us smiling for days on end.  But through it all, what i am learning most of all is that my walk with God has been deepened.  I know my Savior in a whole new light.  A light that only shines when i am willing to allow those dark corners to be available.  My weaknesses have been made known and my Lord has been found not lacking.

I have also learned that my weaknesses are not my downfalls.  They are the areas where God can be on display the most.  They are the areas where others can see that what once was a struggle is now a victory.

I am still human and i still have many areas that need work.  I still doubt.  I still make poor choices.  But regularly and with more consistency I am gaining ground.  I hope others can see that when I return to the States.  Not because I want to be the focus, but because I want others to see that if God can do a good work in me, that there is hope for them too.  I want people to be drawn to my God, not to me.
I don't want to hide anymore.  I don't want to worry more about my physical appearance than my spiritual.  I want to have a heart that draws others to freedom in Christ.  I want to be brave.  My oldest son, Elijah, thinks that every problem can be solved by strapping on his Chewbacca mask and grabbing a light saber.  He has used this method to fend off chickens when collecting eggs.  He has used it to scare the bejeebers out of his sister when playing hide-and-seek in the dark.  He has even used it to kill cockroaches that invade our house when the nearby fields are burnt.  Its his "go to" reaction.

I desire that automatic reaction.  I want to go to God automatically because it is what I have always done.  And when people ask, I want to share with them the faithful relationship God has so generously given me.  And through this deepening of relationship and growth of bravery, maybe some day I will come out of my bedroom, Chewbacca mask on and light saber in hand, ready to kill that rat.

Faucets and Prayer

She walked into the bathroom of the airport and the culture shock unfolded.  She was in the stall next to me.  Her first giggle-filled comment was, "Mommy!  There is soooo much toilet paper in here!"  Then, shortly after, came the gasp and yelp as the toilet automatically flushed.  From there she went to wash her hands and there were no knobs on the sink...it just automatically came on as if someone was secretly watching and waiting to turn on the water on for her.  Finally she went to dry her hands and the amount of air that came from the hand dryer was like a hurricane force wind.  None of this experience was familiar.  Everything was new and confusing.

Lydia's first moments of culture shock are a story that we have shared many times.  We all laugh and chuckle as we recall the simple things that were so foreign to our third culture kids.  Sometimes culture shock is quite humorous, especially when it happens to us.  I remember one year just before we came home to the states and the night prior to leaving BJ and I were watching a movie and were very confused by one part of the film.  The male lead character was standing in front of his television swinging a stick at it and jumping up and down as if it was totally normal. There was no explanation and we were totally lost.  We were utterly confused...until we came home to the states and discover Wii.  My absolute favorite story thus far in our culture shock moments was the year we came home and could not figure out why everyone in the airport had gone stark raving mad.  So many people were walking around the airport talking to themselves and no one seemed concerned.  It was absolutely bizarre...until we learned about Bluetooth.

Sometimes life can be like culture shock.  We find ourselves in a completely unfamiliar moment and do not quite know what to do. Standing bewildered and unsure.  Not knowing which way is up.  Some time ago, when we were beginning this work here in Loja Province, we stated that this ministry would be more of a marathon then a sprint.  It would take a lot of work and mountains of patience.  But still, i had fences around what that would look like.  God has slowly been knocking down those fences and asking me one very simple question, "Do you trust me?"

Prayer is something I have found to be the foundation of all we do here in Loja Province.  It is not just a part of the ministry.  It is the thread that runs through the entire ministry.  Nothing we do can have any profit without prayer.  Many years ago while sitting in Hughes Chapel at Asbury College I heard a man speak from the pulpit.  I do not remember his name but his words left an indelible mark in my heart.  We had just finished singing the great hymn "Sweet Hour of Prayer".  He stood up and instead of following what his planned sermon would be, he began by making a startling statement.  He said, "You must be careful the words that come out of your mouth as you sing to God.  You must be careful not to sing the words on a page if they are not true of yourself.  How many of yo u have ever spent an hour in prayer?  How many of you are truly able to worship God because of the sweetness of spending an hour of time in prayer with Him?"

I have never forgotten those words.  I began asking God to develope in me a heart that desires hours of prayer.  It seemed so outragous and impossible.  But over the years God has slowly grown the desire in my heart for time in prayer.  Over the years as i was a newlywed, then a new mom, then a mom of multiple children I have learned that my priorities are what gain my time and attention.  I have also learned that my time goes where i choose to put it.  It has not been a sprint.  It did not happen over night.  But, slowly over time, the Lord has grown the desire in my heart because I have chosen to give my time to Him.  James MacDonald talks about the lives of Christians having a pattern of  increasing consistency and frequency.  It will not be perfect but over time as we look back we will see a pattern emerge of growth in our lives.  We will be closer to God.  We will be deeper in our faith.  We will be stronger in our understanding of scripture.

At first, I did not realize that prayer would be the main thread of the work in Loja.  I knew that it was important.  I knew it was part of what we would do.  But, what i did not realize was that God would make me stop life in order to pray.  It was my culture shock moment.  It was my "bewildered and unsure" moment.  Currently my team members are all gone.  One team member is on Home Ministry Assignment raising funds in the states.  Another couple that we work with had to return to the states for medical reasons.  BJ is traveling for the next several weeks with only a few days at home.  I am at home with the kids.  I can not go and "do" discipleship.  This month the town where i live is bulging at the seems.  Tons of visitors have poured in to participate in a march of an idol through several of the nearby towns as well as our own.  Because of this roads are shut down and I am literally stuck at home.

There is so much that I want to "do".  I want to go and spend time with our disciples.  I want to be active in ministry.  But, God said sit.  God said stay home.  God said pray.  And so in the midst of the confusing unfamiliarity I find myself closer to God then ever.  We have been talking.  We have been focusing on the individuals that could some day be the leaders of churches.  We have been focusing on team member around the country and around the globe. We have been focusing on God's heart.  With more frequency and consistency as time goes by I know that what lies ahead can only be greater then what i am now experiencing.  And what i am now experiencing is depth and intimacy with my Heavenly Father.

Some days ministry does not look like what we expect.  Some days ministry is a sink with knobs...familiar and comfortable.  Other days it is man standing in front of his tv waving a stick and jumping around.  It is totally outside of what we thought it would be.  But, in the end, regardless of what it is, if it is from God it is the best step to take.

Hangry and unable to help

Its ten o'clock in the morning and I just realized I have not eaten breakfast....again.  For most of the morning I was convinced I had...but now that I think about it I realize I did not.  It is a common mom problem, I believe.  I made my kids and husband breakfast this morning.  I got distracted cleaning all of that up and then went on to other things.  I remembered the smell of the food.  I remember placing it on the plates.  Surely I ate it right?  This is me typically once or twice a week.  Then suddenly it is 10am and I am, well, hangry.  Its ugly....and then I ask myself, "Why am I acting this way?"  And it hit me....just because you make food and put it on a plate does not mean it found its way to your mouth!  I have been awake for 4 1/2 hours and not eaten.  Yup...

I am great at taking care of others.  If you need something I am there for you.  I love caring for people.  It brings me joy and fulfillment.  My personal struggle is receiving help from others.  I am fiercely independent.  "I can do it!" is my motto.  My competitive nature does not help this shortcoming.  Because not only can I "do it" but I can "do it" better.  Can anyone identify with this?

My shortcomings became glaringly obvious about a month ago.  A bulging disc in my neck rendered me to complete bed rest for about three weeks.  It was a while before we got a firm diagnosis and recovery was quite slow.  I could do nothing.  Friends and fellow missionaries brought us meals.  My kids cleaned the house and helped each other out.  BJ ran every which direction getting medication, caring for the kids, and helping me get around when necessary.  I could do nothing but receive.  Guilt started to consume me.  I didn't know why I was sick but surely it had to be my fault.  I did this to myself and now everyone else was paying the price. 

It took me a while to realize that this illness was the kindest gift God could have given me.  I did not realize it at first.  It was so wrapped up in my own pity party that I did not realize God was using this situation to teach me something.  It was not just the 10am breakfast, it was a life of 10am breakfasts.  It was me helping everyone but myself.  It was me realizing that even though I enjoyed helping others so much, maybe it was time to give others that same opportunity. 

I have come to understand that guilt is a tool of Satan.  It is vague and unclear.  It has no end in sight and no purpose.  It gives no guidance and no hope.  It offers feelings of worthlessness and demise.  Guilt takes us down a dark and lonely road.  Bleakness and shadows are its companion.  Guilt is not something God dishes out.

So where does that leave God?  Does God use guilt?  I would venture to say no.  I think what God uses is conviction.  How are they different?  Conviction is based in love.  It is the Holy Spirit showing us what we need to work on so that we can have deeper fellowship with God.  Conviction is specific. It is pointed directly at something with a purpose.  It is light at the end of the tunnel.  It is a better way before us.  Conviction is hope. 

In Romans chapter 7 Paul talks about the conflict of man knowing what he should do and yet not doing it.   As he works through that he gets to this great moment in chapter 8 where he says,
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

You see guilt is associated with manipulation; it is making a person feel bad; forced sorrow.  God is not a manipulator.  He is all about freedom.  He is about choices, even when he does not like the choices we make.  Guilt is from the other side.  It is Satan at work trying to sow seeds of manipulation and untruth in our hearts. 

I started to realize these feelings of guilt in my heart and begun to label them more accurately.  When I feel guilty about something I stop and re-evaluate because Satan is trying to get a foothold.  He must not win this ground.  He is welcome to no space in my life.  I stop and look to see if there is an area that needs work.  Do I even have control over this?  Is what I feel valid? 

The late author Jack Miller was once quoted as saying, “Cheer up! You’re a worse sinner than you ever dared imagine, and you’re more loved than you ever dared hope.”

God does not leave us in a pit to sit and wallow.  He offers newness of life and redemption.  He offers hope.  When we lose sight of that it becomes very easy to settle into guilt.  We feel inadequate and begin to feel like we are drowning in inability. 

I was feeling this way shortly before I fell sick.  I literally fell. I was overwhelmed with life and trying so hard to love others that I had forgotten about myself.  I was constantly thinking about how others were doing and feeling.  I was preoccupied with what I could do to make other people happier.  No one had asked me to.  I just took it upon myself as a way to love. It was a very imperfect love.  I was giving all I was away to everyone else and saving nothing for myself.  I was worn out and exhausted. 

 It came out of the blue when that terrible moment struck.  I had been sitting down and when I stood up I lost all use of the left side of my body from the neck down.  I slammed into the wall as I tried to walk towards the bed to sit down.  I was alone with my kids in a hotel room.  Lydia immediately began crying knowing something was very wrong.  I tried to play it off and asked her to get me a bottle of water as I got to the bed and sat down.  "I must be dehydrated" I said.  In my mind I was trying to calm myself down as well as her. 

Meanwhile, BJ was at the airport picking up a friend of ours we knew from years back, who since that night has become a much closer friend.  We had been hosting his two teenage kids for just over a week and their father (our friend) had come to travel home with them to the States.  I called BJ at the airport where they were grabbing a bite to eat and told him he needed to come to the hotel and take me to the Emergency Room.  We left our kids with this friend and his kids.  (Later Elijah asked me how long we had know this family and when I answered him his immediate response was, "You practically left us with strangers!")

Once BJ arrived at the hotel things kinda get fuzzy.  I no longer had to keep it together for the kids so once the kids were out of sight I just kinda lost it.  Was I having a stroke?  Aneurism?  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I walk?  Once at the hospital things got even fuzzier...the medications they put me on as a precaution in case it had been a stroke clouded my brain pretty well.  Then the anti-anxiety meds they gave me (evidently I was not acting very calm) really fogged over my brain.  And that's when it began...three weeks of nothing.  No helping.  No cooking.  No caring for others.  Not one good deed for one single person.
 It was as if God said, "Since you won't let people in to help you in your daily life, I will be giving others a consolidated amount of time to catch up on loving you."  And so I walked down the difficult road of receiving.  Meals arrived.  Kids were taken care of.  Phone messages were received.  Prayers were offered.  And I just received.  And that's when I experienced it.  Conviction.  I needed to be willing to accept help.  I needed to let people in.  I needed to recognize that I could do life better in community.  And if I did that, I would experience what it is like to live as God intended.  That's the difference between guilt and conviction.  Guilt would tell me this sickness was all my fault.  Guilt would say "Your making people cook for you because you let things fall apart."  That's guilt.  But conviction said otherwise.  Conviction said receive.  Conviction said learn what it is to live in community.  Learn what it is to be a part of a team. 

I have not got it all figure out.  Learning is a slow process for me, with many repeated lessons.  But I am learning that a good balance of giving and receiving is exactly what God had in mind.  I have learned to say thank you and not feel guilt.  I have learned to let others bless me as I so enjoy blessing others.  As for those 10am breakfasts...well...I am working on it. 

a monopoly kind of committment

Gnashing of teeth, plotting, embellishing rules, tears, and absolute dedication....and we were only five minutes into the game.  Monopoly was more than a game in my childhood it was an experience.  When you come from a family of competitive folks like mine game night got a little crazy but when monopoly came out....it got a whole lot of crazy.  We were all in and winning was not an option...it was the only answer.  And because everyone could not possibly win...someone was always unhappy at the end.  And that was not the end of it.  For weeks after the game conversations would continue of "If only...I could have won"  or "I think someone may have cheated."  We were committed to the game. 

Yesterday I saw someone go from being a listener to being a committed believer.   I had the privilege of visiting a sweet friend we are discipling in Chaguarpamba.  I had a visitor with me, Abbie.  She is 16, from North Carolina, and came to see what everyday missions looks like. I took her to see Katy.   I had not had many opportunities to visit with Katy lately because she got a job outside the town where she lives and has not been home much.  But it was a Saturday morning and she was home for the weekend.  We sat down to study the Bible and she was deeply engaged in working through the passage we were studying. 
Right now we are using a preset list of questions that we go through when studying a passage of scripture.  We want those who study with us to know that they can study scripture at any time and not just when we are visiting.  By giving them questions and using them over and over they learn a way to study scripture on their own and their confidence builds. 
The questions look like this:
     1.  What in this passage do you like?  What draws your attention?
     2.  What do you not like?  What is confusing?
     3.  What can I learn about God in this passage?
     4.  What can I learn about mankind in this passage?
     5.  How can I apply what we learn in this passage to our lives?
     6.  Who can I share this lesson with?
So, when we got to the last two questions I figured we would get an answer similar to "all scripture is good to learn and put in practice"  and "I will share it with my family since they are not here to study today".   Those answers would have been fine.  But, yesterday I got to see commitment.  I got to see Katy go from learning and applying scripture to her own life, to something much deeper. 

When I asked Katy question number 5 her answer floored me.  She said, "Andrea, I find these studies really important.  I am learning so much.  At the school where I am counseling children I have started going through these studies with my students.  They need God.  So much of what I am learning in these studies is just what the kids need to hear also."  I was so surprised that I just kinda stared blankly at her.  Then my eyes started welling up with tears.  I don't think Katy realized how important that answer was.  My reaction surprised her but also greatly encouraged her.

Katy went from a listener to a committed player for God.  It was no longer a secret in her heart or even just amongst her family.  She is now all in.  She knows this truth is exactly what the world needs and she is not afraid to get out there and do the hard work. 

Commitment can be an amazing thing to witness when your working for God.  Its not just a milestone, it is personal growth.  It is an individual deepening in faith and committing to God at a whole new level.  It is beautiful. It is God at work among His people completing His purposes.  It is such a privilege to get to see these results!  As a follower of Christ my job is to go where God leads, do what He asks, and not worry about whether or not things turn out how I think they should.  Obedience is a hard lesson.  I like to understand why things happen.  Sometimes in this line of work sharing Gods word can be quite similar to beating ones head against a wall.  You continue to do the same thing (sharing God's word) and in the end all you end up with is a headache.  But those are the moments where I figure my character needed building and that those moments were for my own benefit and not others.  It was my learning time.  My time to learn to trust. 

Meeting with Katy was a huge gift yesterday.  I got a chance to see why.  I got to see how.  And I got a chance to be absolutely blessed.  Seeing someone grown in their faith and dedication to the Lord is a slow process.  But as time passes and God does the work in a persons life, we get to see an amazing transformation.  We see commitment grow.  And unlike Monopoly, the more committed a person is to sharing God, the deeper the relationship grows and the more united the community of believers becomes.  Monopoly bears scars and dissent.  God brings beauty and love. 

Groucho Marx is on my face!

A black eyebrow.  Yup.  I was so tired that I actually grabbed the wrong pencil and colored my eyebrow black. My first clue came when I finally turned on the light.  Yes doing one's makeup in the dark is not recommended but I was tired and my eyes were not yet ready for the light!  Thank heavens I finally did turn on the light. I saw the disaster and I quickly grabbed the makeup remover and removed Groucho Marx's mustache from above my eye.  It was an unexpected moment and it will stick with me....I will now always turn on the light before putting on my makeup....and I will always double check the color of the pencil before I use it.

Unexpected moments come for better or worse.  The bigger the "unexpected" the deeper the impact it leaves on our life story.  BJ and I recently had one of these bigger unexpected moments.

BJ and I went to visit a piece of property the other day that OMS Ecuador is considering purchasing.  It is in Chaguarpamba, where a majority of our ministry takes place.  The idea is to build a home for our family to live in so that we can be closer to the people we are discipling.  It has already been a long road yet we are just at the beginning of this chapter of our Ecuador story.

 We had set up a meeting with the land owner and the municipality.  They were coming to measure out some property lines. After the workers left we were standing around talking with Luis, the property owner, and his adult daughter.   Mari, his daughter, began asking us questions about who we were and what we do.  As we began to tell her about our ministry Mari began jumping up and down with excitement.  She proceeded to tell us that she is an evangelical Christian living in Guayaquil.  She comes and visits her parents every few months.  She said, "I have been praying for someone like you guys to come here and share the good news!"  BJ replied, "I think God is answering your prayers."

That was it.  A moment that left an indelible mark.  Knowing that it is not just our own hearts that have a passion for reaching the lost of this area was a great gift.  God has been so good to us!  We have no doubts that Chaguarpamba is where God is leading us.

Today when we arrived at kids club in Chaguarpamba there were already 5 kids waiting for us at the basketball court.  The kids didn't even let us get out of the car before they were hugging on us.  It was a sweet gift.  Later that morning when I walked across the street to purchase juice to serve to the kids I struck up a conversation with the store owner.  Amidst this conversations she informed me that the kids had been standing at the gate since 8 am.  Club didn't start until 9:30!!  She told me that she had gone out and told the kids that they were very early but they simply responded that they wanted to be early to help us set up.  They just couldn't wait!  "The kids here really love you guys", she said.

Another indelible mark.  Another unexpected moment that continued guiding us towards the decision we have been walking toward.  Neither situations were necessary but they were both welcomed comfort.  And sometimes that's just what we get!  Comfort.  Blessing.  Scripture tells us, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God."  There are some pretty good perks to being a part of God's family.  One of which being the Heavenly Father gives us more then we need or deserve.  Bonus blessings.  Like light switches to turn on so that we can see that ridiculous eyebrow before we walk out in public.....

Trust and spilled coffee

I woke up at 5:30 this morning seeking quiet.  We moms are professional ninjas when peace and quiet are at stake.  I very quietly tiptoed down the stairs.  I made a creamy cup of coffee and sat down on my couch to read my Bible and pray.  No kids. No noise. It was perfect.  And then within 5 minutes of sipping my delicious cup of coffee and reading, I heard it.  The sound no mother wants to hear that early in the morning....the sound of a bedroom door opening.  Down the steps trotted two little feet with a sleepy morning smile.  I was once told to consider those early morning visitors as special guests to my morning quiet time.  Within a few seconds my "special morning guest" knocked over my precious cup of coffee and broke my favorite mug.  It was at that very moment I knew what was on the horizon....TV.  That's right folks.  I played the TV card so I could have a "quiet" time.  I didn't get mad.  I didn't yell.  I just did what I had to do. 

Sometimes when we do everything right, things still go wrong.  On a much deeper level this is a struggle everyone grapples with at some point in their life.  Most of us many times.  Children die, marriages crumble, and dreams crash to the ground.  People betray us, our intentions are misread, a freak accident and we are left bewildered.  We cant even catch our breath. Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why, when we live life the way we should, do things still go wrong?  This question seems easy enough to answer when someone else asks it.  We rattle off pat answers like, God is in control, or God can use it.  But when we find ourselves asking these questions those pat answers seem hollow and abrasive.  No comfort.  No answer can be found that soothes the soul. 

What do we do when life piles up?  We all know those people in our lives that seem to be a magnet for difficulty.  Hard times seem to be their majority.  The hits just keep coming and coming and we look to God in our confusion.  What do we say?  How do we love them without seeming fake and shallow?  How do we walk with them through the hard times?  And what do we do when we are that person? 

Today, after mopping up my morning coffee, I read Psalm 73.  Its not an easy chapter.  It's blunt.     Its coarse honesty makes you uneasy.  And yet it gave me hope.  If scripture can be brutally honest then maybe I can also be nakedly honest with God.  In the beginning of the chapter the author whines and complains about those he sees who are corrupt yet rich, healthy, and without trouble.  Listen to the words of the author in verse 16, "When I tried to understand all this it was oppressive to me"  Verse 13 says, "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence."  Do you hear this pity party here folks?  I did what I was supposed to and am sick, poor, and in pain.  Others do wrong and are rich and healthy.  WHY GOD?!  You can hear the bitterness in the tone. 

In verse 21 it says, "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."  He is calling himself out on his own actions.  He calls himself a brute beast!  The author feels betrayed and can't figure out how on earth God applied his permission on his specific situation.  In scripture we find that God does not cause all things, but He does permit all things(see Romans 5:12 and James 1:13).  This permission is what hurts the most in difficult times. 

When we are in pain our focus gets skewed.  We forget our equality in the human race.  Romans 3:10 says, "There is no one righteous, not even one"  We are all unworthy of any good in our lives.  Any sins we have committed have condemned us to a forever sentence of hell.  What we tend to lose focus of is that all we deserve is the bad. 

Now please don't take me as a doom sayer.  There is a great ending on this story.  The gift that Jesus rendered on the cross reveals an unimaginable twist.  Jesus paid our death sentence.  He did for us what we could not do for ourselves.  He paid a price too high for our own actions to compensate.  He saved us.  And what is amazing is that he put no price on receiving his gift.  "Free!" he calls out to us. "Come and receive. I have taken care of this!" Now, think about God's roll in this.  The father has knowingly sacrificed his son so that all of humanity would have the opportunity to spend eternity with Him in heaven.  He provided a way for us to be forgiven.  And what do we do? 

There seem to be three responses I have concluded to.  First, you have the ones who simply say "no".  They snub their noses to the fact that someone else provided a fix to their problem.  What is so frustrating is that their choice doesn't negate the fact that Jesus died on the cross.  Instead its just a smack in the face to God that says, "I don't want your help"  "I did not ask Jesus to do what he did." 

Second, you have the Yes, but.  This is the person that accepts Jesus Christ as their Savior but brings with them a list of requirements.  They say things like, "Thank you for saving me Jesus, but I want life to be easy from here out." or "Thank you for saving me Jesus, but I want control over how things go from here."  Their Christian walk is fraught with crisis after crisis because they don't know what to do when things go awry.  I think if we were honest this is where a lot of us find ourselves.  Maybe in different degrees of the "yes, but" syndrome but its where most of us are.  We get stuck.  We get angry.  We claim to trust God, but when push comes to shove we point the finger right back at God.  We struggle. How is there freedom from that?

We find freedom in the third response.  James McDonald talks about growing our faith in God.  He says growing ones faith is not done perfectly, but it needs to be done increasingly.  In other words, we need to show fruit of growth in our trust in God.  This is where hard shows up.  When we become Christians we trust God with our life after death but what about our life here on earth?  When we can't understand the reasoning behind life's difficult situations we have to choose to trust.  In each situation that we do choose to trust we receive the gift of proof.  Proof that God can be trusted.  Proof that God is a keeper of his word.  Proof that Matthew 28:20 is true when it says, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  As we mature in our Christian walk we start finding ourselves more on the third view and less and less on the second.  Its a process.  And a slow one at that. 

God does not promise that once we accept Jesus as our Savior that our lives will be easy and problem free.  But he does offer an amazing gift.  The creator of the universe offers to walk with us through life so that when it gets too hard, and it will, He will be with us.  You see when life is easy we do not see as much need for God in our lives as we do when we are living in difficulty.  Now, that is not to say that the only reason God allows trials is to deepen relationship between us and Him.  That would be cruel. 

But God does refine and give opportunity to strengthen our faith through hard to swallow events.  And then those events that seemed impossible to traverse end up becoming a reference point.  A tangible moment in time that we see God at work and feel his presence.  They become moments we return to the next time we are confronted with hardship.  And as we collect those amazing moments of proven faith before us, our relationship deepens and our desperate need to understand the "why" dissipates. 

It all comes down to one prayer.  "Lord, whatever it takes.  Whatever you need from me Lord.  Take what needs to be taken.  Keep what needs to be kept.  As long as you use my life to bring others closer to you Father.  As long as I can be drawn closer to you.  Have your way Father."  As we draw closer to God we need fewer explanations.  We trust and know that He is good because even though we have experienced difficulties we have also seen God's faithfulness during those times. 

Many mornings when my quiet time is interrupted I get mad.  I get a bit self righteous and shake that finger at God. I am the second response we talked about earlier.   But increasingly, yet not perfectly, I am learning to quench my temper and rest in the knowledge that God can be trusted.  I don't always understand and the bigger the situation the harder it is to take that step and trust.  But even though my coffee cup is shattered on the floor my trust is in tact.  My God is good.  Chapter 73 in Psalms ends perfectly with these words, "But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."